CONTAINS CONTENT:
Brief strong language. A sensual moment.
{{Unedited}}
A day had passed and not much had been said about the incident with Cory, nor had she had a lot of contact with Austin.
Cory’s words twisted in her mind and her stomach, making her feel a deep sorrow and anxiety. She had compassion for Vincent and his situation and she understood him so much more after his talk with Cory which everyone overheard. He had been so certain that Marielle was in danger in other dimensions that he made a lot of swift, horrible decisions to come after her and find one – her – that truly needed help. The problem was circular, he’d inadvertently created the problem before it was to happen, but he was also concerned that she needed help from Austin as well, and considering what Austin was in the other dimension, she couldn’t blame him. She would have done the same thing in his shoes.
She’d gone out the night before with Vincent to a nice restaurant where he promised to take her out to anywhere that she wanted to go the next night as well as it was her birthday.
She’d bitten her lip and twisted her fingers together. “What if… what if I wanted to go to Disneyland?” she asked sheepishly.
He chortled cupping her cheek. “Why are you asking me like I’ll think you’re childish? If you want to go to Disneyland, I’ll take you to Disneyland,” he’d insisted with a strong nod.
She smiled at him, widely, his statement renewing her feelings of love for him. She wasn’t sure if she was going to Disneyland today after Valorant or not, but she was grateful.
When Vincent had showered earlier, she moved quickly to her secret spot; her false drawer and popped it open and approximately ten minutes later she had wrapped a package that she slid into her bag without him seeing.
Marielle squeezed the paper wrapped picture frame to her chest like she was hugging a dear friend, then let out a long sigh and looked down at it. Could she give this to him? He’d be beyond shocked, in fact, she wasn’t sure how he’d react. She wanted him to have it, but she also understood that it would stir intense feelings for her within him. Maybe that was what she wanted. On the one hand, this entire charade – the affair, her admitting to loving him – had been about creating need in him without satisfaction, so this was actually the perfect gift. His heart would bloom once again for her, opening up all of the little caverns that led back to them together and in love… all of the spaces that reminded them both of that weekend they had together where kisses were endless, I love yous were said so many times that they lost count, pleasure had been crazy intense even though they hadn’t slept together, laughs, giggles and tears were constant, and she rested peacefully in his arms.
As she thought on these things, she realized how desperately she wanted to be with him as well and stared down at the gift like it was a thing that would bite her without warning; reconsidering.
Austin was the only person that she’d ever met that she wanted to let all her walls down with; that she wanted to fully trust and in so many ways that were possible because of their inhuman connection. And yet, she knew that where they were at now was still what was best.
He still needed to bleed… because it was “easier than losing her.” She felt hot tears prick her eyes. He needed to bleed her out until there was nothing left because until then he was in metamorphosis and Tundra was just on the edge of his mind, tempting him in that direction. She didn’t believe that he would ever completely become Tundra, not this Austin. But now that he’d experienced loss, and understood love to the degree that he had with the added insanity and emotional high and low of their unique connection, the temptation was there, and so was the empathy she was trying to build in him. He needed to go to Hong Kong. He needed to be entirely separated from her.
The more that the shock of being attacked and violated by Tundra was tempered by time, the more that Marielle could sit and think about him in a way that was “other…” from how she’d experienced him. When she fell through Tundra to get away, she felt him… He was in pain. It was constant and unrelenting, and so much of it was because of her; the loss of her, the need to have her to help fix him. The fact that she could no longer reach into his hand, find his pulse and help to guide it back to calm, and there was more. Something that he was continually trying to block out. It was something that loomed over him like a shadow of himself with blazing, white, lightning eyes. She’d never be able to confirm it, but she suspected that this was the thing that the Hazal of Vincent’s world had done to him that never fully let him go and was constantly there driving him insane. He could never, ever escape himself. That shadow bonded itself to him, and invisible smoke like chains were wrapped around his wrists, and strapped to his back, never letting him go. This must have also been why Tundra felt the need to kill all his doubles. How horrible it must have been to kill all his doubles, but to never be able to kill or divorce yourself from the dead man that you were carrying constantly on your back and the fact that it was you? It must have been utter agony.
This was exactly the reason that Austin had to do this alone, even if their love for one another never died.
He was going to sink, or swim, and if he swam and learned to handle all of this without her? Then maybe… they had a future somewhere.
She put her fingertips over her mouth trying to quell the tears before they fell. Then she silenced her thoughts as she heard Austin’s voice break into her mind.
-later… I’ll have to look over all of that lat- he paused, -Happy birthday, Marielle. Sorry, I didn’t realize that I was projecting. He sounded so sad…so distant. -Do you want your gift now?
-Happy birthday, Austin. I’ll take my gift whenever you want to give it to me.
-Come see me in a few minutes?
-Okay.
She looked down at the package again and swallowed hard. She’d kept it hidden for weeks, unsure of what to actually do with it. It had been a secret that she’d buried and forgotten.
She had to give him this. He would react to it deeply, maybe even erratically.
Setting it aside on her desk and finishing with a document on her screen about Sabine, she signed it, and sent it off in an email.
Then she stood, brushed her shirt down, and taking in a deep breath of air, took the package, and went through the wall into his office.
“Oh, hi,” he said, startling a bit.
She smiled and sat on his couch. “Come sit with me?”
-All day, every day. He joined her, keeping a good five or six inches between them so that she wouldn’t be uncomfortable. She smiled softly remembering briefly how he always did this. The worst man that she knew with “women” was the most gentlemanly at times; fighting every single feeling and emotion that was oozing from every pore in his body. He’d been drinking, he wasn’t drunk, but close. She could taste him. How ironic.
He clasped his hands behind his knees and turned to look at her. “Me first or you first?” he asked forcing a small smile that died almost the instant that it appeared.
She shrugged. “I guess you first.”
He pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment. Then went to his desk, and opened the bottom drawer where he pulled out a box that was about ten inches tall, and a foot wide. It was wrapped neatly in shimmering red paper and he came to her side, and handed it to her. There was a card on top, and Marielle slowly opened it; both feeling the tension of not knowing what the other was giving them and how it would affect them.
She knew him, and knew that his gift might be as emotionally dangerous as hers. She prayed for the second option… as she slowly opened the card. He watched her do it, staring at her lovely hands longingly, and how they so carefully unfolded the paper. The card was a teddy bear being lifted off the ground by a bunch of colorful balloons. A sweet and simple “Happy Birthday for my best friend,” on the cover. So far so good. The inside had a simple message. “No one is more special to me, friend, than you. You lift me high above the clouds. Happy Birthday.” He did sign it -Your Austin, but given the circumstances she felt that this wasn’t so much pushing as it was his way of saying, I’m still yours, do with that as you will.
She ignored that part of it although inside she burned to go into his arms. She turned to him. “Thank you, Austin.”
He smiled and wrung his hands and fingers together several times. She knew how nervous he was for her to open this.
Marielle unfolded the wrapping paper without tearing it, and set it to the side. Austin watched this curiously. He’d never seen someone not tear through a package. This was like she thought she was saving the paper for some future gift where she would reuse it.
She used the edge of her nail to break away some corner tape, and lifted the lid. For a moment she was a bit confused. Was this a snow globe? No. There was no water or liquid inside. She gingerly lifted its heaviness from the box and looked it over, curiously.
It was on a gilded stand, and a round globe sat atop it that had strange shapes in the center. They looked like golden, yellow, and orange crystal shards all running into one another and tangling around each other like vines. There were hints of dark blue in the middle of some of it.
She cocked her head at it, then at him as she smiled.
He lifted a finger and gently took it from her. He turned it over in his hand where a little knob sat on the bottom, which he flicked and promptly turned it back over. Light came from inside of it, illuminating the thing and as it did, the globe itself also slowly spun creating a dazzling, twinkling light show that – she understood now – looked like dancing flames.
Her eyes watered and she looked away.
“You don’t like it.” he said flatly.
She put a hand to her mouth which was quivering. “Austin…”
-Austin.
“This is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever seen.”
He tried in vain to quell a proud smile. “I thought it would remind you of your favorite place… when you can’t be there, you know?”
She nodded, wiping away tears. “Yes. Yes, it does.”
“It’s…” he scratched the back of his head, “it’s beautiful in the dark.”
“I’ll bet it is,” she said adoringly as she stared and stared at the thing in wonder.
He closed his eyes as he asked, “do you want to see?” knowing that the implication was, -do you want to be alone in the dark with me?
She wanted to scream yes. She kept it back. “Maybe a little later?” She asked hoping that he’d leave it alone.
“Okay,” he replied, his tone indicating that he understood that the answer was no and that he was to let it go.
He leaned his temple on his fingertip for a moment, staring at her and there was no mistaking his expression even though he was getting better at not just blasting his thoughts. The look was pure fascination and love mixed with the deepest desire that existed in him.
She took in a deep breath and looked down at the gift next to her. Then she let the breath out slowly, and turned to him. Instinctively, she reached over to his hand, which was on his knee, and took it in hers. He briefly closed his eyes in pleasure at the feel of her touch. “Okay,” she breathed. “We have to talk about this for a moment.”
“This?”
It was almost like he knew. “This is not what you think it is,” she began. He cocked his head at her inquisitively. “And because of that you’re going to react to it in a way that I’m not certain of yet,” she explained.
“I’m confused,” he said quickly.
“And you will be… until you open it. So just do it and do it like tearing off a band aid.”
She felt the anxiety that began pulsing through him begin to rush through her as well.
“What is it a snake or something?” he mumbled under his breath, looking down at the gift that was now in his lap. He gave her one last confused look, searching for a clue or for her to slip up in her thoughts, but he found nothing. Nodding, he tore the brown paper, moving it aside and looked down at the thing. At first, nothing registered. Then it all did at once and he dropped it back into his lap with a gasp. “Mari,-” he began confused. Then he studied it for a moment as if trying to process what he was looking at.
It was a picture frame, an intricate white one and the frame itself held two items. Two halves of a torn right down the middle Queen of Hearts card; stained with dirt, and spotted with drops of dried blood. “Marielle, this isn’t,-” his voice trailed off and he stared.
“It is.”
He looked at her, then at the frame again as if it were some trick. “Ther- there’s no way,” he stammered.
“I promise you, it is,” she explained.
His palm cupped his lips for a moment as his eyebrows drew in, he breathed jerkily and tried to hold back tears. “H-how?” He looked it over long and hard; this was definitely the same card. He recognized all the little dots and divots that he’d memorized when he’d stare at it before he fell asleep at night. It was dotted with red, the edges were frayed, and it was dirty, but this was the card. “How can you tell me that this comes with no promise?” he croaked. “How do you even have this?”
“I got it for you,” she whispered, her eyes also watering.
He turned and looked at her, his blue eyes a sea of questions, realizations, puzzles, confusion… chaos. “How? When?” His mind was obviously scanning, then he paused as if it hit him. He remembered the moment in Kingdom when he saw her zip the front of her jumpsuit up again. She’d stuffed the torn pieces quickly inside, and readjusted later. “When you fell the first time,” he looked at her again, “you knew that I’d try to help you and that they’d come after me… it gave you a moment to get it,” he realized in a soft whisper.
She nodded. “I didn’t know how important it was to you.”
His shaky fingertips grazed his bottom lip, “I thought I’d never see this again,” he said, breathlessly.
She let out a heavy, hard sigh. “But it doesn’t come with any promise this time, or hope… so, maybe it would have been better if I’d left it there,” she said, sadly.
He shook his head and swallowed hard as a tear finally leaked. “No… I’m really happy to see it again.” But then squeezed his eyes shut and paused. “Tell me how I’m not supposed to take you in my arms right now?” he asked.
“Well, you did ask for something else.”
She leaned in and put her arms around him, hugging him in a more friendly way. Then his heart sped up, was she going to kiss him, too? She did. It was soft, innocent, on the cheek as he’d asked. But it felt like dying; he knew, because he’d almost died once with his heart in her hands and this was no different.
Instinctively, he turned and tried to meet her lips with his. She jerked away and gave him an angry look, knowing that between the gift and the kiss she wasn’t asking for this, but she certainly wasn’t doing his attempt at a resolve any favors.
He looked down, “I’m sorry… I’m a little drunk, I just got carried away.”
“Like you always do?” she growled, staring at his office wall, her eyes filled again.
He rubbed the palms of his hands together between his knees, “Masin… the last thing that I want to do now or ever is hurt you.” She knew that. She also knew his potential for failure. “Can you forgive me? It was purely reactionary.” She was silent for a moment, biting back another wave of sadness. She went silent for too long; it was starting to make him anxious. “H-have you so quickly forgotten?” he whispered. She closed her eyes, trying to block him out. “Have you forgotten those tender moments? Those things that we whispered in the dark? Could it be that you’ve forgotten them so quickly?” She looked down into her lap. “Because I haven’t. They live in my skin… they’re alive, Marielle. And they won’t die until I draw my last breath.” He reached out and fingered some of her short, shiny black hair. His words were worse than his gift.
She swallowed hard and let out a long sigh. “I forgive you.” She looked him over, “can we try like- a real hug?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he replied and he waited for her to come to him.
-We used to be able to hold each other without it turning into desperation. She reminded.
-I was always desperate. You just didn’t know yet. He replied letting her enfold him. His words stung. She knew this somewhere inside, but it still felt surreal. -And I didn’t know just how much I loved you. He pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes; a moment that felt like a kiss was coming, but he didn’t try it again. “I am not pushing you, but my offer still stands.”
“Which?”
“Run away with me, Marielle,” he breathed, desperately wanting to caress her face. “Let’s actually be in love for once in our existence. Let’s be fully in love and lost in it and not playing somebody else’s game.” He sneered and jerked his head to one side. “That offer stands until you can’t find me anymore. Do you understand?” he asked.
She nodded then offered him a diminutive smile. “What if I can find you anyway?”
He looked down thoughtfully with a pregnant pause. “Please, do not make a decision that we are both going to regret…”
She sat back from him and looked over her present one more time. “Thank you for the most beautiful gift I think that I’ve ever received.”
-Yeah, we just happened to give one another the most amazing gifts that we’ve ever received. Coincidence, darling? He asked sarcastically. She stared him down and he shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry,” he repeated for the third time today already. He felt like his life was settling nicely into flagellation, scraping, and bowing, however each time that he said it, he was sincere.
This scared Marielle more than she wanted to admit. She knew that every time Tundra said “I’m sorry,” he meant it.
“I am not Tundra,” he said brokenly, and he cut his eyes to her.
“I know that you’re not.”
“Then why do you keep reminding yourself that I am?” She hadn’t realized that her thought process was so loud. “That’s what all of this is about, isn’t it, Marielle? You’re still scared that I’m gonna become Tundra.”
“I don’t know what you’ll become,” was all that she replied.
“Can I tell you what I want to become? What my goal is in becoming?” he asked. It was awkward wording, but she sat processing his words. “Can I… show you?” He slowly raised a hand as if wanting to pet a lion and knowing that there was a good chance that it would strike. She wanted to stop him but felt herself freezing as she tried to swallow. It felt like rocks going down as he raised the other hand as well. “One last birthday gift, darling,” he whispered before his hands made contact with the sides of her face. “Say yes,” he breathed, stilling for a moment.
She felt a small smile move over the left side of her mouth. He was trying so hard to stop pushing and give her the choice. She couldn’t help but nod even though she knew this was a bad idea.
He took in a deep, ragged breath and closed his eyes.
She did the same.
Instantly they were facing one another, standing. It didn’t take Marielle long before she understood. She was in white, her lips a scarlet red, parting and spreading across her face in joy as her eyes twinkled behind a sheer white veil with flecks of silver. He was beaming down at her in a black suit and red shirt with black tie. His expression sure… certain… confident in all of this. Delight flickered in his gaze and a tear rested on his face. A man in a black suit was standing by them speaking those familiar words that they would repeat in a moment and Marielle was aware as he spoke that Austin made it a point to say, “Til death do us part,” and “Forsaking all others.” She was grinning at him, tears brimming her eyes as she waited to return the words to him.
A FLASH.
She was on her back on a bed, his body was possessively pressed against hers. Both were clothed, but he was working his arm furiously out of a jacket, while his mouth consumed hers. The way that he was shamelessly moving against her told her that this was going to turn into lovemaking at any moment, and she was passionately reciprocating it and all the promises that his mouth and mind were making to her. She could hear him in her mind.
-I love you, wife. I love you so much. Only you. Never again. Only you.
She cried out, overcome with her emotional, and physical need for him which she knew he was about to satisfy. -I’ll let you have me. I’ll let you have your desires, just stay with me, Marielle. Stay with me, wife.
-I’m with you. She purred back in her mind, their tongues still exploring, his hands roving her body like a dying man looking for a lifeline.
Wait… was he showing her this… or was she spurring some of it on, too? She… felt that… like it was real. Like she had made some of the choices here… but how could that be?
A FLASH.
She was laying on hospital bed, knees drawn up, face red like fire, and contorted in anguish as she pushed; her neck strained in cords. She could feel the baby’s face! Next to her, Austin was in a bed as well, he was wringing her hand and she was wringing his. Both were in anguish as he could feel this with her. A primal yell twisted inside of both and they clenched their fingers together and growled, sucking in air before both gnashed their teeth, arched their backs, her hand pushed into his, their heartbeats found one another, she guided his back down, he did the same to hers. They beat in perfect unison, and she strangely calmed…so did he… She felt the baby come out. They both exhaled and momentarily little screams of brand-new life pierced their ears.
A FLASH.
Austin’s face was illuminated by candlelight, the room glowing from it, the walls shadowed in purple as he sang at the top of his voice, a bright smile across his gorgeous mouth. He was singing happy birthday, but so was she – right there at his side – as he pushed a party hat back and off his head. He put a noise maker into his mouth and blew as Marielle cheered, both looking at a little girl with long black hair – six? Seven? – as she blew out the candles on a white cake and clapped with her parents.
A FLASH.
Austin’s hair was graying at the sides, but so was hers and when he smiled at her she could see the wrinkles around his eyes and the lines forming around her mouth. He still leaned in and kissed her as he darkened the room with his other hand and it was instantly bathed in the dancing flames from the gift that he’d just given her. “Happy anniversary,” he was whispering as Marielle noted that they were on a bed covered in luscious red roses and at the foot was a tray full of her favorite chocolates, champagne, and a gift that she hadn’t unwrapped yet.
A FLASH.
She didn’t know her name, but she saw herself in her daughter’s smile as she walked steadily, eyes straight forward down the aisle toward an unknown man. The marching girl all in white had Austin’s eyes, and they flicked to her father’s with a dazzling, bright smile. She didn’t know this young woman, but she did, and the warring feelings within her were breaking her to tears as she noted the wrinkles deepening Austin’s smile, and the further gray in his hair as he walked, arm and arm beside his daughter toward the man who would be her husband.
A FLASH.
Grandchildren were running around their feet, and Austin – silver haired, and a little hunched but still spry – was moving through the room like a giant trying to chase them. They were squealing and winding themselves between his knees as he “fee fi fo fummed,” his steps. She turned to her daughter, also older now. “How are you, mom?” the young woman asked.
The front door burst open and a young man, – maybe thirty, handsome like Austin – walked in. “Hey! Dad!” He ran to Austin, and the two embraced, Austin still trying to shake a little black-haired boy off his lower leg.
A FLASH.
She and Austin were old. A cane rested against the bench that they were sitting on together near a pond as the sun dipped over the horizon, sparkling it’s brightest before it plinked into oblivion and disappeared. They were both white haired, wrinkled, hardly recognizable, and leaning their temples against one another. Her hand was inside of his and she could hear the steady sound of their heartbeats… and her own slowing.
A FLASH.
Marielle pulled back, away from him unable to handle the feelings that this had caused to war within her.
She was shaking her head. She had expected that to be filled with sex, passion, and lust… it hadn’t been. It had been their whole lives together, happy as man and wife, happy as a family with children and grandchildren.
Amidst a headshake, she tore away from the couch as terror gripped her center at what this had just done to her.
“Marielle,” Austin breathed, trying to follow. “You did some of that too, you know!” He cried after her.
She shook as she ran from his office, leaving the gift behind and all her senses apparently because she slowed and wandered about twenty feet down the corridor, passing her office. Eventually she stopped walking and bent at her knees, crazy and confused as she squatted, grabbing her hair.
She was completely unaware that Austin had even followed her.
He had reached down, and she hardly felt him lift her off the ground and pull her into her office where he closed the door and held her against him the way that he used to.
She shook her head, trying to push him back. “Do you want me to let go?” he asked.
She shook her head again and melted against him, but did nothing else. Neither did he as he rested the back of his head against her door and for a moment, although it seemed like an eternity, they were each other’s again. They didn’t say it, they didn’t think it, they didn’t beg for it, they didn’t do anything else except hold one another, but both knew it until she pulled away, and turned from him, trying to clean her face. “How am I supposed to escape you, Marielle?” he asked shakily and he dragged his fingertips down his face as he spoke these words. “You think ten thousand miles is going to kill what you just saw?”
For a moment, she felt horrible. She’d done this to him… neither of them knew that her passing through another human being was possible, and certainly neither of them knew what it was going to do to him, how it was going to affect him, or that it was going to create the bond that she’d unwillingly created.
-No, darling…. This was happening before you did all of that.
-This?
-This.
“I’m going to tell you something that… I know that you know already, but I’m going to give a voice to it,” he said with a sigh and it was only at this moment that she realized that he was holding her gift under his arm with his right hand. “I am so confused by all of this,” he admitted. “I know that you are, too.” He sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling, his throat exposed and she thought it was ironic since all her actions continuously felt like she was going in for a kill repeatedly. “I am desperately in love with you, I want everything that I just showed you. I try not to show it to you at work, but I feel you, Marielle. I feel you wanting me, needing me, loving me.” He swallowed and his adam’s apple moving down and up again was so attractive to her. “And I don’t understand, and it’s torture,” he whispered. “I keep trying, but all I do is dread the end of the year, and all I feel is growing love for you.” He paused. “A growing need to prove to you that I can be better,” he explained. She could hear his tears even though none were leaking from his eyes. “So that’s all I do. I just…try to do better.”
“We all just try to do better, Austin.”
He sighed, and finally snapped his gaze to hers again. “It’s a nice copout answer,” Austin whispered. “But it addresses nothing… and you’re getting better at hiding your thoughts from me,” he said darkly. He ran a hand through his hair. “You know, even Cory knows that you’re in love with me,” he said dismissively. She said nothing, and did nothing. “I fucking hate this,” he seethed before he turned to leave. Then he paused, considering what he’d just said. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and it was genuine. How many times was he going to apologize to her today? “Happy birthday.”
He stormed off, she had no idea where he was going only that it was to the elevator.
-Happy birthday, Austin.
-You know that as much as I hate this, I never want you to let me go, right? Chain me up and never undo the locks for all I care, I’ll be yours for the rest of my life.