CONTAINS CONTENT:
Extended extreme trauma / grief, mild language, difficult situations, mild sensuality.
{{Unedited}}
Now, I am the desert
dry, and endless
and you are the rain
that turns me
into the beautiful mud;
the moldable clay.
Make me
as you want me, darling.
Trap me with your love.
I beg you.
Give me my prison again. – Austin Rancor.
***
Austin thanked Sabine as he went into the apartment hallway. John was standing behind her silently. She paused in doorway, “She laid with me for days when I lost my first husband,” she said, flicking a look to John. John tipped his masked head forward in response and she took his hand. “You have a few hours, before I need to get back,” she whispered to Austin, looking over her shoulder. She couldn’t see Marielle, she was somewhere in the back bedroom, lost, and trapped in her own mind.
Austin was quiet for a moment, his eyes distant and exhausted. He’d washed and put his pants back on, but he was still wearing one of Vincent’s t-shirts. “She’s just sleeping. I don’t expect her to wake up for a while, but if she does, just hold her, reassure her. Remind her that she’s safe. Tell her that I’ll be back very soon.”
“I know what I’m doing,” Sabine insisted, with tears in her eyes. Austin started to walk, Sabine reached out and grabbed his wrist. “How are you?” she pressed.
He shrugged and leaned back against the doorframe, “I don’t know,” he said, brokenly, looking up and away. “I’m confused. I’m broken inside,” he shrugged.
“It’s all normal,” Sabine replied, and Austin was a bit stunned to find her rubbing his forearm, firmly. Touch from a woman was weird for him. Sabine didn’t touch anyone, least of all him.
He looked down at her fingers, and she drew them away at this. He lightly cleared his throat. “I’m going to go to my place to get some clothes, I have to get to Valorant to file some paperwork and…” his eyes welled.
“You have to write the report of what happened,” Sabine finished, and she gave him a light, but slightly forced smile. Austin could appreciate that she was trying to be comforting. “Don’t worry, Austin, I’ll back you.”
He nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Anyway, I have to be there for a short time, make some phone calls. Then I need to pick up some food. I think I’m going to set up some therapy appointments.”
“For her?”
“For me… I needed to be back in therapy a long time ago.” He checked his watch with a heavy sigh. “I have about three weeks to get my crap together and try to help her.” It was eight in the morning. “She’s been out since around one o’clock yesterday. I’ll try and be back at noon.” Sabine gave him a swift nod. “I fed the cat.”
“John’s just going to sit on the couch and guard,” Sabine said gently. “I don’t think there’s a threat anymore, but you can never be too sure.”
“I can’t believe that Cory’s actually dead- this is actually over.”
“Yeah, but we lost Vincent.”
Austin looked off, distantly. “I’m not even thinking about that right now.”
“You’re in survival mode,” John explained, and Sabine was nodding.
“She’s so much worse.”
“Of course, she loved him.”
Austin pursed his lips, gave John a pat in the forearm, and went down the steps.
He drove for a good ten minutes, distant and lost. It was early December, and several of the houses in the neighborhood that he currently resided in had put up blow up Santas, and reindeer, fake snow, the occasional nativity, and lights that weren’t on, but would be glowing brightly in ten hours or so. The glass bulbs still twinkled in the dull glow of the morning light. He’d never felt so distant from Christmas in his entire life and as he entered his home, all that he wanted to do was leave, but not before he sat down at his piano and played for a while to try and reset his mind. It was filled with tears and a haunted sense that said that he was out of place even in the home that he’d lived in for several months.
His fingers settled on a Joni Mitchell song; River… but he could only get a few lyrics out as he played.
When he was done, he went to his bedroom and threw a few pair of jeans, a couple of shirts, his toothbrush and toothpaste, a rag, a razor, and a few other essentials into a duffle bag.
Then he left for Valorant.
When he entered the main building, he paused for a moment staring at a spot on the floor where he knew that he’d introduced himself to Marielle for the first time. Their voices seemed to echo in his head, their conversations, her laugh. It was all lingering; trapped in the room in a way that made him shaky as he went to the elevator to go to his office.
It was Sunday, and aside from the office building, almost no one was here, the building felt hollow and ghostlike. Most of the overhead lights weren’t even turned on.
He settled into his office and leaned back in his chair, stroking his chin as he stared at the computer screen… the empty feelings inside were like a deep, vast ocean. He couldn’t see what was lurking around corners, and when he met the emotional deep-sea creature, he shuddered and felt the deep panic wash over him as he mentally tried to scurry away. The lack of Marielle within him – and everything that had occurred in the last twenty-four hours – felt like being shut all alone in a completely black room. The moment before he had died, Finola had plunged them all into blackness and panic had settled over him and he’d done something that he had been trained not to do… he fired a shot without knowing where it was going. Thank God it hadn’t hit anyone.
He was still in that darkness, now.
There was a knock on the door and Austin broke out of his trance. “Come in,” he said, gently.
Wei Ling stepped inside; hands clasped in front of her. “I thought that I’d check in and see how you were doing,” she whispered.
“Can you shed some light on what happened to me?” Austin asked, weakly.
Wei Ling motioned toward the couch and Austin nodded. She sat. “I couldn’t bring you back, so I cried out for Sage,” she said. “I had the idea when I saw Jeanine, hiding.”
Austin looked down. “And she used her resurrect on me?”
She nodded, “I said that Marielle loved you… the way that she… I …loved Sas-” she couldn’t finish. She bowed her head, silently.
Austin’s breath caught in his throat and he stared at the desk. “If she loves me… why did she choose Vincent?”
Wei Ling shrugged. “Maybe because she always knew that this was how things were going to end,” Wei Ling offered. “She might have prayed that they wouldn’t, but…” Wei Ling sighed and looked down into her lap. “We both know that she’s always had some ability beyond what’s normal to predict or see into things when she chooses. Marielle doesn’t want to have this ability, it is a curse to her,” Wei Ling explained, looking distant. “She ignores the horrors that she knows we are all destined for. I cannot imagine…”
Austin let out the breath that he’d been holding in. “She loved him, though.”
“She did, yes.” Wei Ling swallowed, and eyed the wall. “But not the way that she loves you. And Vincent…” her voice jerked to a stop as her eyes rimmed with tears. “Vincent knew that,” she explained.
Austin closed his eyes, and bent forward. “She could still reject me.”
“She might. She’s cracked, brittle. Fragile.” She straightened a little. “Just be there for her. She’s lost… in a world where yesterday didn’t happen. Her mind has not accepted reality, yet. She’ll try to hold onto him until she understands that it’s impossible. You must be there for her,” she said. Austin knew that she was speaking from experience.
“I plan on it. Until the 29th… then she either has to come with me, or someone else has to take over.” Wei Ling wiped a tear away quickly. Austin was distant for a moment. “Is there any chance… that he got out of there?”
Wei Ling met eyes with him. “Do you mean- did he teleport at the last minute and is now there, letting all of this go?” Austin shrugged. Wei Ling took in a deep breath of air, and let it out slowly as she thought. “I asked Klara the same question. She doesn’t think so. Even if he’d set up the other teleporter somewhere, no one thinks that he would have been able to run the distance in the few seconds that he had left.” She shook her head. “He was also shot.” Austin nodded; he’d forgotten about that. “It was a pretty fatal wound. He was dying, anyways.”
“And Chamber?”
Wei Ling shook her head slowly. “No one’s seen or heard from him.” Austin was silent. “What can I do to help?” she asked.
He leaned forward, clicking around on his computer for a moment. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I guess it might be helpful for you to bring some food some night this week?” he asked. She nodded enthusiastically as if that was the least that she could do. “I’m not the best cook,” he said, weakly as he forced a small chuckle. “I have to write a report… Sabine said she’d back me, can you do the same?”
“Absolutely, and feel free to ask me questions if you can’t remember certain things.”
“Did you talk to Liam?”
She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yes. He’s heartbroken. He says that he’ll try to be here Tuesday. He wants a headstone out in the courtyard with the rest of our friends for Vincent.”
“Oh, God…” Austin slammed his eyes shut. He hadn’t even thought about a grave. There was no body. But a gravestone proved that Vincent was in fact, dead. It hit him again in another wave as he dragged shaky fingers down his face. “Holy-” he breathed.
“I’m sorry,” Wei Ling said, standing. “I wish I were more helpful.” She began to leave.
“Wei Ling?” She paused. “You’re one of the reasons that I’m alive right now… don’t pull yourself down like that. I don’t know why I got to live and he didn’t… but I’ll be forever grateful.”
She processed. “If you didn’t know, I’m going home for the holidays. I leave at the end of the week.” Wei Ling was staring at the door. “He saw the look on her face when you died. You got to live because he simply couldn’t let you do it. He loved her too much.” She left.
Austin took a few minutes to write his report on the computer, breaking every few minutes to wipe away a tear that he didn’t remember crying. He called Aaron Falk and talked for a few minutes about what had happened, his report, and his preparations for China. “You did good,” Falk said at the end.
“Did I?” Austin asked.
“Your job was to watch Vincent, and lend a hand when it was needed. After Christmas, you’ll be moving on. Nice work, agent.” After a few more words, he hung up.
Nice work? It certainly didn’t feel that way.
He printed out the report and filed it. Austin found himself staring into nothing and stroking his bottom lip as his breath shattered; another wave of tears came over him. “Vincent…?” he whispered. He was so confused as his mind conjured both Vincent and Chamber that he wanted to scream.
He picked the phone up again and dialed an unlisted number.
“Gray,” the voice on the other end, said.
Austin asked for the key in, and Larson gave him a string of numbers, then a status, and Larson confirmed that he was alone and okay. Austin cleared his throat. “Larson, do you know where Chamber is?”
“No one’s seen him since Friday night. I’m stuck in Ibiza right now because it’s the last place I was tailing him.”
Austin caged his face and sighed. Then took a deep breath in. “How are you doin’?”
“Great, asswipe, I’m enjoying some time on a nude beach while I wait to take a dump.”
“A real party.” Austin deadpanned, rolling his eyes.
“You?”
“Yeah, we won’t go there,” Austin replied.
“Cool story, bro.”
“I know that you’re not really supposed to…but will you let me know if you catch sight of him again?”
“I’ll tell you somehow,” Larson replied, and hung up.
Austin booked an appointment with a therapist. A man… an older man. An older, married to a woman man, and wandered into Marielle’s office. It felt cold… empty. He looked up at Chocolate, and took the bear down from the shelf. He’d take it home to her.
He left shortly thereafter to go shopping, having no idea what he was doing. He bought groceries for himself, but a lot of that was eggs, prepackaged smoothies, pasta, jarred pasta sauce, cheese, and bread. He shook his head as he slowly moved down an aisle. He’d just buy all that stuff anyway. She probably wouldn’t be eating much, so there wasn’t any point in trying to figure out gourmet meals. He paused in the frozen food aisle, and reached in, grabbing two large tubs of chocolate ice cream, and a jar of butterscotch syrup on the shelf at the end. She’ll eat this… She’ll eat it with me. He told himself. And it doesn’t matter that it’s junk… she just needs to eat.
He stared down into the cart. Milk, eggs, water, bread, ice cream, pasta, a few protein shakes, some fruits and vegetables, some meats. He’d make it all work somehow.
Austin took it all back to her place and as he dragged the bags in, he was immediately met with Sabine. “She’s awake. All she’s done is cry for you,” she said.
John was sitting on the couch looking down at Felix – who was curled in his lap – like he wasn’t sure what to do with him. “This creature-” John said distantly. “I like it…” He put a gloved hand to Felix’s head, and Felix lifted his little face, eyes closed, smiling, and purred. “I think it likes me… it… vibrates.” Austin and Sabine smiled at this as he put the groceries down. “I think that I will knit it a sweater,” John added.
“He knits?” Austin asked, looking to Sabine.
“He knits,” Sabine confirmed.
John stood, gently moving Felix, and picked up the bags. “We’ll put these away,” he noted.
Austin thanked him, and made his way to the back of the apartment where Marielle was sitting up, crying. The moment she caught glimpse of him, she stretched her hands out to him like a little girl being asked to be picked up. “Austin! Austin!” She pleaded and he bent on his knees and drew her against him. “Austin, please don’t leave me! Please don’t die!” She was crying.
Her mind was so stuck, he enveloped her and gently rocked her. “I’m here, I’m here, I’m not dead.”
“I can’t feel you!” She was crying again.
He put her hand to his chest, “I’m here, feel this? Feel my heart? Can you feel my heart?”
Shaking, she nodded. “Oh, God, Austin, I keep feeling the blast.”
“I know, so do I,” he whispered. “What can I do, Marielle?” She fell apart again, sobbing. She didn’t know. Why was he asking her? This was the time for him to be in charge, take control, and help her as he saw fit. Nothing else would do. “Marielle,” he breathed. “Be silent.” Shaking, she calmed a little. “You’re safe.” He squeezed her so tightly that he was afraid she’d break. “You’re safe, darling. My arms are safe.”
“I can’t feel you.”
“Marielle, darling. I’m not in there anymore. We broke connection when I briefly died and Sage brought me back. But I am alive, and I am here.”
“You told me that, didn’t you?” she whispered.
He nodded. “You’re stuck, and you’re traumatized. You’re reliving certain things and you’re not breaking free of the cycle. It’ll take time, but I’m here for a while.”
She anchored herself to him, and he let out a ragged breath, everything in him wanting to just lay her back, and make love to her.
Instead, he lay her back, and found the softest blanket that he could in the room and wrapped her in it, gently rubbing her back, and kissing her shoulder blade.
Sabine popped her head in. “Groceries were put away… Dishes were washed.”
“Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. We have to go, but please don’t hesitate to call.”
Austin nodded as they left. He heard the front door click.
Marielle was shivering like she was cold, and he just kept stroking her, whispering to her, and occasionally singing to her. When she dozed again, he briefly left the room, only to hide a few of Vincent’s things. Austin knew that these could be triggering to someone in such a state of grief. If she asked where they were, he’d tell her that they were just away for the time being, that he hadn’t gotten rid of them. This would reassure her that she could look at them, or experience them again if she needed to, but that she didn’t have to see them right now.
He came back into the room, “I got something for you,” he whispered, placing Chocolate the bear in her arms.
The faintest smile crossed her mouth. “Chocolate,” she whispered, and for just a moment she was there. Then as if simply having an emotion other than grief was too much, she crumpled in on herself again. He held her and just let her cry until an hour or so had passed and his stomach could no longer take not having food in it. When was the last time he ate? Sometime yesterday? Shaking his head, he went to the kitchen and dished out ice cream and butterscotch and took it to her.
He urged her up and made her eat it in little bites and like with the bear, her face looked like she didn’t feel right enjoying anything. He understood. He praised her with every single bite. “My good girl,” he said.
“I’ll always be your good girl,” she purred.
He smiled, and kept feeding her until it was gone. Then he made her drink a little. She couldn’t get dehydrated, and crying so much wasn’t helping. He’d make sure that she drank again in an hour or so.
The rest of the day was more of this, and the day after… and the day after that. She had moments where she was there again. On the third day she actually smiled, and just like before, the moment she realized that she’d smiled, she crumbled. Remembering that there was any joy in life was just too hard.
He had Sabine back so he could go to his therapy appointment. The gentleman was nice, and as Austin had planned it, there was zero temptation there. He could be open, and honest and vulnerable, and the man was simple, professional, friendly, and knowledgeable. He listened well, and help Austin work through some of his feelings regarding what was going on inside of him; the survivor’s guilt, the feelings of being lost. All were normal, all were natural, and doing things like creating schedules, and keeping to promises helped. He knew this, he, himself was a therapist after all, but being able to talk about it with someone who could help him arrange his thoughts was extremely beneficial. He told the man. “I work out of the country, and have to leave after the holiday, but can you do calls or video chats?”
“Absolutely,” he explained, shaking Austin’s hand. They agreed to meet for the rest of the following year via video conference after he left.
That same day, when he went back to the apartment, he helped Marielle shower again and considered it a bit of an improvement that all that he really had to do was stand at her side to prevent her from falling. She was still gone, however. She wanted to be stuck in that world in her mind that hadn’t accepted Vincent’s death. There were even times where he understood that she was still in his arms, maybe dancing that night that they had gone up to the offices and ditched him to make love. It seemed like centuries ago.
That same night, he insisted on her sitting on the couch with him, even though she only stared and said nothing. He watched football, considering it something that she hadn’t done with Vincent, only him, so it shouldn’t trigger her too badly.
There was a moment when her eyes widened, flickered a bit, and she looked to him, then back to the television and whispered, “Touchdown.”
He nodded, and reached over, taking her hand, and reminding her to drink some more water. She absently looked at the untouched bottle in her hand, and did.
Then there was a knock, and he went to the door, and opened it.
Wei Ling stood just beyond in the dimly lit hall, her eyes evading Austin’s strong gaze.“H-how is she?” she finally forced out.
At first it looked as if he was going to try and give her a simple answer, but after a moment, tears filled his eyes, he turned to the doorframe, burying his face against it for a moment, and his expression contorted in agony. “She’s in there… somewhere… with him,” he explained. “He ruined her life,” he scoffed and met eyes with her. “I hate him,” he choked out.
Wei Ling twisted her hands, then rested them at her sides. “I always kind of liked him,” she said, quietly as she straightened her back. He narrowed his eyes at her. “He did something crazy for love,” she explained. Then she paused and looked down as if she was trying to fight for the correct words, and she’d swung and missed. “Now I’m not saying that I approve of his methods, don’t think that I’m saying that. I did not,” she said, sternly. Austin gave her a small, thoughtless nod. “But he was a man in love who didn’t know how to say goodbye,” she reiterated. She looked off distantly. “That’s all of us, I think,-” she said flicking her gaze to Austin, “-and I have a lot of respect for someone who is willing to take a leap for love right now,” she whispered, far away in her mind. Austin’s heart ached and he nodded at her, considering her words then applying them – as he suspected that she meant him to – to Sasha. He scraped a tear from his left cheek with his middle finger and crossed his arms over his chest as he rested his temple against the doorframe.
There was silence for a long moment. This would probably be the last time that she would ever see Austin, although ironically, they were going to the same place; China. She picked the container back up and handed it to him. “Pork dumplings, rice, melon,” she explained, patting the top of the Tupperware. “Reheat the dumplings and rice in the microwave.” She smirked at him, knowingly, “even you can’t screw that one up.” Then she gave him a small bow.
“Thank you,” he whispered. Reflexively, he lifted his right arm and drew her against him for a hug. She bristled, and paused, then held him back for a moment before backing away, giving him a small, but long bow and turning to leave, refusing to say the words “good bye.”
Austin watched her go down the stairs before he turned and went back to the pale lifeless woman on the couch. “Wei Ling brought us dinner,” he said, quietly.
“How is she?” She asked.
Austin cocked his head at her, it was one of the first times that she’d said something in regards to any of the others. “She’s good, they’re all good, Marielle. They miss you.”
“I miss them,” she said, her gaze was fixed on the television.
“Do you- do you want to see any of them?” he asked. Han had actually called early that morning and asked if she could come to see her. Austin said that he’d ask, later, but that Marielle was still mostly unresponsive. Ironically, Hazal had done the same, stating that perhaps she could help. Austin had told her that he didn’t think so, this wasn’t fear, or terror. She was just… stuck.
Marielle shook her head, fading again. “I’m still in the blast.”
He nodded, understanding. “I’m going to go heat up dinner. You can eat light, don’t worry.”
Felix walked by Austin as he went to the kitchen and the kitty looked like he was nodding at him as if saying, “don’t worry, I got this,” as he went to Marielle, jumped into her lap, rubbed against her chest a few times, curled up, and purred.
Austin smiled. They were taking shifts.
He made the food, and took it to her, helping her eat small bites. It’d been four days and she still couldn’t handle much. She was starting to look thin, but at least she was eating and drinking.
***
Liam patted his chest a few times as he coughed, and cleared his throat. He flicked his gaze to Austin’s as he looked over the papers and raised a hand, “Don’t worry, soldier. The doctor says that I’m not contagious,” he chuckled. Austin raised a hand and shrugged. Liam nodded as he finished the report, aligned the papers, and set it down on the desk between them. “It’s so sad… all of it.”
“I don’t even think that sad covers it,” Austin sighed, looking off.
“She’s not even here, is she?” Liam asked.
Austin was silent for a moment. “She has moments. They’re more and more frequent where she’s with me, and for a moment she’s herself and she’s okay. Then she remembers that she’s not and slips away again.” He paused, shaking his head. “She wakes up screaming, and I have to hold her and rock her until she calms. She sees invisible blood on her hands sometimes, and starts washing them like she can’t get it off. She thinks that I’m dead sometimes and I have to remind her that I did die, but that Sage brought me back, and that I’m not connected to her, anymore.”
“Your connection is lost?”
“Yeah,” he said in a drained tone, “and she won’t let me back in.”
“It’s part of her process,” Liam explained.
“I know.”
“While it might seem like Marielle is completely gone and she doesn’t know what she’s doing- I remember what happened when Morgan died, and she took care of Sabine,-” an impressed look flickered in his eyes, “-she has a very strange way of knowing exactly what’s going on and how to eventually handle herself.” Austin nodded, considering the older man’s advice. “She does hear you, and she is listening. She’s also aware of certain things and how they have to happen.” There was a beat as Liam stroked his red beard. He huffed. “Also, remember this if she let you back in right now, you’d feel her so deeply and intensely that you’d collapse into depression and be comatose as well. She needs you to be strong for her, so she’ll keep you out until she doesn’t need you.” He snapped. “She knows what she’s doing. She allows herself to sink first, because she knows that after she’s done sinking, she’ll come back. That doesn’t mean she’s not alert, at least inwardly. Keep doing what you’re doing.”
Austin thought about their time in Kingdom, she had told him when she went catatonic she heard everything that he said and did. She just couldn’t respond. The difference was that he could be in that difficult place with her, in her head.
Liam sighed and looked out at the courtyard. They’d erected a tombstone, but they didn’t have a funeral, or a service. Marielle was too distraught, and everyone agreed that it simply didn’t feel right. The tombstone said only one word… Friend.
“What if this all starts happening again?” Austin asked, distantly.
“I think that it’s going to… but I think that we’ll be more prepared for it to happen.”
“Did Klara tell you about-”
Liam lifted his hand as if to shush him. “I’ve been informed, but I knew about all of that already. Don’t worry, it’s all being taken care of, and by the right people. Vincent did the right thing keeping it from the Scions of Hourglass.”
“Right, Liam already had the information from Kingdom.”
“You’re wondering if that means that I knew about all of this,” Liam noted. Austin nodded. “I didn’t. I had the hard drive; I didn’t know what was on it or how to access it. Vincent was the one who introduced us to the idea of other dimensions back in August.”
“I forget that many of us shared lives with our doubles.”
“You didn’t, soldier. Whatever you’re fighting, you’re not him.”
Austin expression conveyed gratefulness that Liam could acknowledge this. “But, you think I was wrong in my decisions during this whole thing?”
“No… I think that Vincent was.”
“Then why didn’t you ever try to stop him? Why didn’t you fight harder?”
Liam took in a deep breath, memories of his own life obviously crossing his mind. “Because, I would have done the same thing.”
“You would have?”
“To see my Molly and my Carolynn again? Yes.” Liam looked distant for a moment as if remembering Vincent and a soft smile crept over his mouth. “I understood him.”
“So you approve of what he did?”
“No…I just can’t judge him for it.”
Liam went to a file cabinet and retrieved Austin’s file, slapping it down in front of him. “This is pretty much all that Valorant requires of you at this point, Austin. We just need an agent name.”
Austin stared at the folder like it might bite, and slowly opened it. He stared down at all of his information and the redacted Tundra name. He wasn’t Tundra. He was never going to be Tundra.
“How about code name?” Liam asked, folding his big hands against his chest.
That was easy. “Ice King.” He wrote it in.
Austin slapped it closed, and put it back on the desk as he thought. “I don’t know. I was tasked with following Chamber almost seven years ago.” He stroked his bottom lip with the pen for a moment and chuckled, ironically. “We’re probably going to be following one another for the rest of our lives once they find him and reassign me to him again.” He shrugged. Sure, what the hell. “He’s Chamber…” He had a brief memory of Chamber and him in the bar before he left for the airport that day that Marielle admitted that she loved him with that red lipstick. A soft smile rested on the left side of his mouth. “I’ll be Caliber.” He put the black ink pen to the folder, wrote Caliber on the outside tab, then opened it and wrote the same near the redacted name. He sighed and sat back against the chair, staring at it as he tossed the pen back to the desk. “It’ll remind me of what kind of man I am.”
Liam nodded. “Anytime you want to come and help us, you’re welcome to.”
“Anytime, huh?”
Liam smirked, “Don’t you think that you offer something to this team?”
Austin smirked and fingered his bottom lip, “Oh, you know you want me.” Then he winced, realizing how that sounded. Both men laughed.
Liam gagged. “You’re a good man, Austin Rancor… Anyone ever tell you that?”
Austin swallowed hard. “Not really. But it’s good to hear.”
There was a brief silence. “We won’t see you again, will we?”
“At least not for a very long while. I’ll be in China for at least six months, but probably closer to a year before they reassign me back on Chamber.”
“Are you like forever assigned to him, or something?”
“That’s how this has been working, yeah. We have a weird relationship. We’ve been having drinks with one another across a room for years,” he laughed. “Now we do it on Friday nights. I don’t know if he’ll be there tomorrow night, though,” he whispered in thought. He’d check anyway, although Chamber hadn’t answered any of his texts or calls, and he couldn’t track him.
Liam stood and thrust his hand out. “It’s been great having you.”
Austin rolled his lips in and took the bigger man’s hand, shaking it firmly. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more.”
“I’m not.”
When Austin walked in the door, he was surprised to see Marielle moving around the living room. She turned, and bent at the fireplace; she looked like she was looking for something. “Do you need something, darling?” She looked up at him, but then back to the fireplace, saying nothing. He went to it with her, and bent. “Do you want me to light it? Are you cold?”
“It’s cold, isn’t it?” She asked after a moment.
He nodded. “It is pretty cold in here. I can light this,” he explained.
“Austin?” He turned to look at her. “Can I go outside today?”
He grinned, his eyes welling a little. “I’m not keeping you here, darling, I’ll take you anywhere that you want to go.”
“Can we go to my favorite room?” she asked.
He nodded, emphatically, dashing tears away. “Yes! I’ll take you to your favorite room.”
And he did. And they shared a hot chocolate that he drank most of, even though holding it seemed to comfort her a little, and staring up at the ceiling gave both memories of the last time that they were there together. Not too long after, during their affair, they’d sat on her couch and he’d kissed her intimately for the first time; letting her explore his mouth with hers. He had to stop himself from thinking on these things too much. He wasn’t actually sure that there was any hope there for their future. Not now… not after Vincent. She wanted to be with him, locked up in her mind, reveling in the memories, the sweetness… the first time that she saw him in that interrogation room. He’d seen all of it when she remembered it a few months ago, and he could remember it secondhand. He knew that she was there now, trying to hold onto him. So he let her, for the time being. There wasn’t much point in trying to break her out of her own mind for a while, but like their affair, time was slipping away. He needed more of it, and he couldn’t buy it or wrestle it away from anyone or anything. God wouldn’t grant it to him. He just had to wait, be patient, love her anyways, and accept whatever was to come.
She seemed almost awake and alive during their time there, but when they left, she broke down, and disappeared inside of herself again, staring into nothing. “What was I looking for?” she whispered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”