CONTAINS CONTENT:
Mild language, adult topics and themes, grief regarding the last chapter.
{{Unedited}}
When the Moretti’s returned, there was brief exchanges of pleasantries and Austin announced that he was taking Marielle to The Village. Of course, she could only guess at what that meant, but Rick seemed to think it was a wonderful idea.
-Did you tell them? She asked, as they got into the car together.
-I did… I called them earlier. I hope you’re not angry with me for that. I didn’t want them to come bounding in with some story about the Warren’s children or grandchildren or something. I was only trying to be sensitive.
-I’m not angry with you, Austin.
He started the car, but turned to her and narrowed his eyes. “Why are you nervous?” he asked, feeling her insecurities begin to swirl in him.
She twisted her fingers together and glanced out the window at the snow-covered yard; the little mail box. “After yesterday… I guess I’m just concerned now that we’ll be bumping into more of your past.”
Austin lightly cleared his throat. “We’re driving over an hour away. I don’t think that’s going to happen.” He pulled out and got them on the road. She was twirling her phone in her hands. “Why don’t you text him back?”
“Nothing feels right right now.”
He swallowed and looked out the window for a moment while they were stopped at a red light. There was a Starbucks on the corner ahead, and when the light turned green, he pulled into the drive thru. “May I make a suggestion?” he asked.
She nodded, flashing him a wan smile. She’d had a fleeting thought that she wanted a coffee, and he was responding to that. “Just… tell him that you love him,” he said, sadly. She narrowed her eyes down at the phone. “That’s all you need to do, Marielle. You don’t need to say anything else right now. Just ease his mind.”
She inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Why are you trying to help me, here? I’d think that was the last thing that you wanted to do.”
He shrugged and pulled forward to order. “I’m trying to look at this from the perspective of a psychiatrist, a profiler… and a friend,” he said giving her a brief glance before he told the saccharine sweet voice over the speaker that he wanted two pumpkin spiced lattes, and a sugar cookie. “We’ll share the cookie, darling.”
“Of course,” she said with a soft smile she’d wanted that, too. “So can you tell me anything about The Village?”
“When Rick brought me back, it was late October. Naturally, I was having a difficult time adjusting to everything. Everything made me nervous, and overly cautious. I didn’t know how to act or react… I could only say a few sentences in English. We had a rough time. So, around Thanksgiving Rick took me to The Village. I don’t know how to explain it, so I’m just going to let you experience it, but it’s pretty amazing.”
She looked down at the phone after a few moments of silence and hit reply. “I love you, Vincent. More later.” She sent it, leaned back, and sighed.
“There you go,” Austin said distantly as he sipped his coffee.
“You’re just helping me so that I choose you.”
“Yeah, I am,” he replied quickly, which reminded her of the night that night in his home; she said you’re just trying to seduce me… he’d replied the same way. “But I do care.”
“What do you care about?”
“That you don’t hurt,” he explained, and he gave her a quick glance and a broken half of cookie before he took them on the freeway. “I don’t want you to hurt.”
She put her face into her hands and turned away from him to cry for a moment. “I’m hurting, Austin.”
He rested his hand on the partition in the middle, letting her know it was there to take if she wanted. “I know, and I can’t make it go away… but I can love you and try and be here for you. I’m with you.”
She looked at his hand, wanting to take it and almost reaching out, but her phone beeped. “I love you, too, Masin. I can’t wait to see you.” Then Vincent was typing more. “I want to take you to dinner, and wherever else you want to go. I want to dance with you, and hold you in my arms. I miss the way you smell, and sound, and taste.” Her eyes closed as tears formed. “I love you, Masin. Please remember that I love you.”
Austin sighed heavily. “That was good,” he whispered, turning away. He hadn’t read it, but he heard her mind as she read it in Vincent’s voice.
She was softly crying again into her hands. “He doesn’t know, Austin. He doesn’t know and I can’t tell him right now. I want to tell him face to face.”
“Which makes sense. Texts are awful for important information,” he explained. He also knew that calling him for such a thing just wouldn’t cut it. There was a pause as if he wasn’t sure if he should ask the question. “D-do you know when you got pregnant?” he stammered.
“It… must have been right before Venice,” she replied, doing some quick math in her head. “Like a week before?”
He rubbed the space between his nose for a moment and wiped his face clean of any expression with his palm, briefly glancing down into his hand. It wasn’t time to start allowing tears to take hold again. “I’m here.”
“I’ll never forget how good you’ve been to me.” That wasn’t hopeful in his mind. Marielle gathered herself enough to type, “I miss you, too. Soon.”
The Village wasn’t what Marielle thought that it would be… it was better.
Off the freeway and down a few roads – that she wasn’t sure were leading to anywhere –was a little town full of Alpine cottages alight with white Christmas lights and bustling with people and their families.
Upon getting out, her nose was instantly greeted with a hundred delicious smells. Funnel cake, waffles, fruits, and nuts. There was a frozen lake where people were ice skating with family, there was a set up with Santa, a sleigh, and several fur-covered elves. There were rides in the distance and she could make out a Ferris wheel covered in rainbow Christmas lights. This brought her mind back to their first unofficial date at the coffee shop on the pier. There was a Ferris wheel and back then, she was hesitant to get on such a ride with him. Now, part of her really wanted it, and she wanted to get stuck at the top with him in this cold, so they would have to cuddle to keep warm.
“I can arrange that, darling,” he breathed into her left ear. She smirked, knowingly and looked down.
-What? Are you going to do something dangerous?
-Maybe… he purred and the slightest brush of his chin against her temple made her shiver. -Would that excite you?
-Hush.
He backed away and took her hand with him, leading her to the first little cabin.
The inside was cozy and warm compared to the frozen scene outside, and she was thrilled to find that it was a toyshop.
She lifted her hands and clapped them like a little girl looking at all the stuffed animals lining the shelves. So many of them were adorable that it made her head spin. “Oh, Austin!”
Joy dented his cheeks, and he put what hair was left poking out of his beanie behind his ears as he followed her. “Pick one,” he whispered.
She whirled taking in brown bears, wolves, house cats, and panthers. “I couldn’t!”
He got serious, knowing it might be too much, but daring it anyways, “pick one for your future child.” She paused, her eyes watering a bit through the smile. “You’re going to be a mother someday, Marielle.” He approached her slowly. “If not because you adopt, then I’ll make you one…” He paused, screwing his eyes up for a moment. “That sounded like a threat,” he chuckled. She did too. “I mean that if you’re with me, I will give you children.” He stood in front of her with a genuine look in his eyes. “I want a household full of little feet and laughter,” he whispered. Then his eyes turned sad for a moment. “Your son is being held in heaven’s arms right now. He’s safe.” He drew her into him as she began to weep. “But the future still holds children for you. So, let’s roll with that, and get something for your future son or daughter.” He gently rocked her for a moment. Then he tipped her chin up to look at him, “no more tears, darling. I know it hurts; I can feel it. But let’s look to the future with hope.”
She took a moment trying to decide whether to trust him or slap him for getting so personal, then sighed, knowing that some part of his speech was right and turned back to the racks of toys as she wiped her tears away.
She was drawn to an adorable dog with big black eyes, and a little tongue poking out. “This one,” she whispered, taking it into her arms.
He nodded. “That specific one?” She smiled. He knew her well. She had this thing about toys, she had to get the first one that she picked up, or one that was damaged in some way because the first one was the one she was drawn to initially, and if it was damaged, no one else would want it. That was Marielle… accepting that which was broken and treasuring it. He felt that in himself, the way that she’d always accepted and treasured him despite knowing his worst secret.
He took the puppy to the register and bought it for her. She zipped it up into her coat, allowing it to keep her warm.
The rest of the evening was filled with them popping into all the other little shops and cabins, sharing sweet treats, getting fudge to take back to his parents – and maybe eat on the way home – and finally getting on the Ferris Wheel, where they did, in fact, stop at the top. He smiled at her in the dark, and she smirked and held the puppy. “You know that could be me,” he said. He lifted his left arm, inviting her into the crook.
She caved, and lay against him, snuggling in and he sighed, dreamily. -Where you belong. He thought with a soft smile.
-Do you really think that?
-I do. I think you were made against me.
She laughed. -When you were like…two?
The wind caught his hair. -Okay, so I don’t have all of the scientific or spiritual details worked out, or whatever. But somehow, I think you’ve always been part of me. There was silence for a long while as they both watched the people ice skate below; their noses getting red as they resisted the shared urge to rub them against one another and steal a kiss. “So, your dad was Adelard Chaenes?” he asked. She nodded, warming her cheek against his chest. “What was he like…?”
“Do you really want to know?” She peeped as a breeze caught them.
He glanced down at her, “Yeah, I do.”
She smiled softly and squeezed him a little as her mind filled with memories that she pushed into his head so that he could watch.
Her raven-haired father popping under her bed as she hid from him, trying to stifle her giggles and failing miserably. “Boo!” Her six-year-old laughs echoed in her mind.
FLASH
Adelard tickling her under her covers as she squealed, squirmed, and snorted joyously.
FLASH
The look on his face as she twirled in her green dress at the mirror in the dress store before she chose it for prom. His green eyes beaming, and adoring her more than words could ever describe.
FLASH
Her father in a black suit singing in the choir at church at a friend’s funeral. She didn’t remember the friend, or why he’d died. But her father’s silver toned voice echoed in the halls of the cathedral.
FLASH
Adelard as he tasted his daughter’s food the first time that she had made it all by herself and all that he said was an approving, “wow…”
FLASH
The day that they were at the shooting range, and she watched her father take out several of the targets in a matter of moments with his pistol.
FLASH
One time when he was holding something above his head away from her as she reached and he laughed while he expertly danced away from her with it still out of reach.
FLASH
The moment that he let go of her on the bike after whispering, “you can do it, Masin. You’re capable…” and she peddled with all her might to keep going.
FLASH
She recalled him playfully covering her eyes when they played a video game together so he could win.
FLASH
And dramatically falling off the couch and to the floor when Marielle pretended to shoot him with imaginary finger guns.
FLASH
Adelard laying down on the ground in front of the fire, stroking their orange cat, Little Guy, and whispering to him. “Hey, Littly Guy.”
FLASH
Him feigning a scared expression as the lady at the jewelry store bent with the earring gun and used it on his left ear. He’d done this to show her it was no big deal, and she got hers done next, but he kept the earring until he died.
FLASH
She was trembling behind the curtain and twisting her hands nervously at the local talent show where she was about to go out on stage and dance. Adelard leaned down behind her, and pointed to her mother in the crowd. “You’re going to be okay.”
“What if I make a mistake?”
“You’re still going to be okay… do you know why?” She turned to her dad and shook her head. “Because I’m with you.”
FLASH
Lastly, a brief memory of Adelard as he took a Valentine’s Day card from his wife, and framed it, setting it on the nightstand and fingering the edges as he smiled at it, thinking that he was alone.
Austin had seen all this as well, and he looked down at her, his eyes alight with curiosity and a flicker of realization. She smiled again, her eyes rimmed with tears as she whispered, “he was like you.”
***
They’d shared hot chocolate, and funnel cake, and finished the evening with ice skating together. She loved every minute of it as it made her sadness a little more bearable. But the loss of her unborn child was still heavily on her mind, and every time that she drifted a little, or felt tears coming on, Austin was right there at her side enveloping her in his strong arms, or giving her a little smile as they went into another homey little cabin with friendly faces behind counters, and fresh treats to sample.
When it was after ten, they drove back and Marielle slept; her dreams were filled with sadness. They weren’t entirely clear to Austin, but he could sense the emotion and it was killing him that he couldn’t just snap his fingers and take every bit away. It was also killing him that he knew that – at least in part – he was part of that sadness. He wanted to be perfect for her, and he knew that he just wasn’t there and was never going to be.
He wiped a tear away and spoke while she slept. “I know that I’m going to lose you. But I want you to know that my love for you is real. I know how foolish I’ve been… and I know that I can’t tell you to just get over it, but how I wish, and hope and have prayed that you could. Because the life that I want for us is beautiful. I don’t own you, but I wish that we owned each other. There is nothing like the feel of you in my arms. I have never truly felt at home anywhere until I experienced that.”
She stirred and groggily lifted her head. “Did you say something?”
“I did, but it’s okay. Just rest.” He reached behind them, found the puppy and gave it to her. She cuddled it into her chest and fell back asleep.
When they got in, it was late and Rick was already in bed, but Tiffany was still up reading over coupons at the table and clipping a few. “Marielle, come here, sweetheart,” she said, gently lifting her hand toward the younger woman.
Austin squeezed her hand with both of his and let it go as he went up the stairs to his room.
Marielle wandered to sit across from Tiffany and she set the newspaper aside and smiled at Marielle over her thick glasses. Then she removed them and rubbed her face for a moment with her fingertips. “I hope you don’t think that Aussie was being careless; he told us.”
“Yeah, he told me that he did.”
She nodded, and bit the end of her glasses for a moment. “I just want you to know because you’re here right now, that if you need anything, or you need space, or you just want to talk, I’m here,” she said, reaching across the table and running a thumb over the back of Marielle’s hand.
“I- I haven’t told Vi- the father yet.”
“I understand. You can talk to me if you need to. The same thing happened to me.”
“It did?”
Tiffany nodded, sadly. “Before I was married to Rick; we were fooling around, things happen… I was three months along. We both agreed that it wasn’t okay, but that ultimately it was probably for the best at that time. Aussie was going to be a handful,-” she chuckled and looked off toward the stairs after her son, “-he already was.” She sighed heavily and took a sip from some coffee that was sitting to her left. “I’m not trying to downplay anything that’s happened at all…but sometimes timing is the reason. That doesn’t help the pain or the loss, I know. It’s not fair, especially when we want it so badly.” Marielle nodded, and closed her tear-soaked eyes. “You want to be a mother.”
She nodded. “I just turned thirty-one. I’m not sure that it’s going to happen.”
“It will,” Tiffany said with a soft smile. “You have time.”
Marielle wiped her face. “I also wonder what kind of mother I’ll be with the life that I lead right now. My mother… she was so,-” she gesticulated as she fought for a word, “-wonderful.”
“You will be, too,” Tiffany replied, with a tearful smile.
Marielle looked down, silently crying. “I’m really sorry that happened to you, Tiffany.”
She cleared her throat. “It was hard, but I got through it, and I know that this doesn’t sound good right now, but you will too. There will always be a little part of you that hurts, but it gets easier, and you’ll find light in something else.”
“You want me to have children with Austin, don’t you?” Marielle said, a laugh in her tone.
Tiffany grinned, “Of course I do. Have you seen the two of you? I can’t imagine more beautiful raven-haired children running around this house at Christmas time,” she said, with a flick of her hand. Marielle laughed, joyously. Tiffany became serious. “But let’s not talk about what me, or Austin, or Rick wants right now… what matters is what you want. And as much as I love the idea of the two of you together – you are a lovely joy – that’s not up to me. If you truly love this other man, this- this Vincent? Then that is where your heart is, and there’s nothing that anyone can say to change that. Austin can try and fight, and rage… but he can’t force it.” Marielle nodded. “Go rest. We would love for you to come to church with us in the morning. No pressure, we don’t mind either way. But it might get your mind off things a bit. Then we’ll take you to lunch.”
Marielle smiled, “We’ll come to church, thank you.”
Tiffany gave her a good, strong hug, and a few words of reassurance that she was there if Marielle wanted to talk, or cry, and headed off to the back of the bottom floor where their bedroom was.
Marielle went slowly upstairs, taking her time to look at the pictures on the wall, and finally coming to Austin’s room. When she went in, she saw that he had changed into his sweat pants and t-shirt, was in his chair, eyes closed and breathing deeply. His mind was on the verge of dreams. She looked at the bed, then at him, and taking the blanket off the mattress, she went to him.
Marielle slowly settled herself into his lap and wrapped them both up in the blanket. He stirred, rolling his arms into a stretch, and smiled at her. “Hi,” he whispered with a subtly surprised expression.
She looked up at him, touching his cheek with her thumb, then fingering his ear and earring. “Hi,” she replied, cuddling against his chest. She dropped her hand and he slowly stood with her in his arms and took her to the bed where he lay her down and joined her, holding her close.
He palmed her shoulder blades and pressed in circular motions. Her tattoos were bothering her again. She took the guns out, he did the same, and they resettled, hoping that they’d see a few hours of peace without them being so bothersome. -Rest. He whispered, molding her against his body like a puzzle piece.
She nodded, taking in her favorite smell in the world and held her stuffed animal close to her, as she slowly drifted to sleep.
While she rested, he nuzzled his nose in between her shoulder blades and stroked her arm. He played with his ring, twirling it with his thumb and thinking about the indent on his finger. Marielle’s good boy.
That night, Tundra showed up in her nightmares again, and Austin stood back, giving her a nod that said that he was there if she needed him, but that she could do this without him. He didn’t have to tell her what to do, she managed to destroy him without being pushed, and she felt strength and peace.
***
Church seemed to go by quickly, and Marielle couldn’t keep her eyes off Austin. He was in a cool gray suit and tie again, and she had to admit to herself that she loved it a little too much. When everyone put their heads down to pray, he peeked at her. -We’re in church, darling. Cool off. He breathed a little cool air in her direction.
She giggled and covered her mouth, trying to stifle any noise. -Oh no, I’m not going to be able to stop laughing at church. This is like my worst nightmare.
Rick reached over and gently slapped Austin upside the head, but when Austin looked at him, Rick grinned and grabbed his upper arm, giving him a little shake.
Austin silently chuckled and put his head back down against the pew in front of him. -You look equally lovely, darling. I could eat you up.
She glanced down at her long-sleeved black sweater dress with the sweetheart neck and boots and shook her head, subconsciously ignoring any connections to Tundra that a comment like that held. -I don’t look that good.
-Stop it. You always look amazing to me, Marielle. He glanced over at her, his forehead still on the pew in front of them. -You’re so beautiful, it hurts.
-I think we’re supposed to be praying.
-I did pray, darling. His eyes sparkled a little. -I prayed for you and me.
After church they went out to eat with his parents, as promised.
The afternoon was lazy; beer and football, dinner was cozy, and after dinner all four of them drove to see the Christmas lights. Marielle felt a little better, but continued to have moments of sadness where she would break a little, sometimes when a woman walked by with a stroller, and Austin would take her aside, or wrap an arm around her and squeeze her. She felt Austin’s sadness as he realized that this would be their last night together like this.
That might have been why it ended so tragically.
***
She wasn’t sure how she’d ended up in the hall, but it was dark, and she was trying to stumble back to the bed and to his arms. She knew that it was wrong to be there with him, but every part of it had always felt irresistible and so, so right.
Marielle felt like she was in a daze because for some reason the hall seemed longer than she remembered and his door… where was it? Slowly it began to dawn on her that she was in a dream and she was also being pulled back to his room. She wasn’t just trying to find her way; something was physically pulling her like a hand around her wrist yanking her forward. When she reached the door, she paused, knowing what she’d find on the other side and hearing her breath hitch in her throat. This was a dream, right? None of it was real. Why did he call her in here? Why did he want her to see this? Her palms began to sweat, and she twisted her hands together before she slowly opened his door. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness but she knew two things… he was in his chair, and she – Erin? It looked like it must have been Erin to her in the darkness – was in his lap, her back to Marielle. His eyes had been closed in pleasure… and the worst part… she was kissing him. After a moment he opened them and horror poured into his expression as he saw Marielle, whose own face was trying to work out what she was looking at and why.
Then the real nightmare began; Marielle looked down to find a bowie knife in her hand with a long twinkling blade… perfect for cutting a throat.
***
Shrieking, Marielle pulled out of the dream and tore from the bed, rushing from the room and down the stairs, through the house, and spilled into the backyard in a hysterical haze as she clawed for air. She was aware that he was on her tail crying after her, but she barely heard him or made out what he was saying until she paused for a moment.
Oh God, those images. Her mind swirled with terror, remorse, fright, rage, jealousy, anxiety… was this his anxiety? It felt like it. The feelings were so difficult to work out. When she felt him, it was clear as day, but also like a phantom. She gripped her middle, he hurt so badly.
“Marielle!” He was rushing after her. She tried to run a few feet more, where? She didn’t know. She’d go into the forest and disappear. He’d never find her. She’d just disappear, she’d phase. “Marielle, please!” He cried. She’d wanted her feet to run faster, but instead they slowed, and she knelt, sobbing before she buried her face between her knees trying to hide from him, the world, God… He finally caught up to her, breathless and stood over her for a moment. “Marielle,-” he bent down to her, whispering, “-it was a dream.”
“Yeah?”
“A dream that was a memory… I’m not happy that it happened.” She felt her insides twist and he felt it too. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” he whimpered.
She was heaving. He licked his lips, and put his hand to her back. She jerked away. “Don’t touch me!” He pulled his hand back. She shook her head rapidly as it started to snow, flakes falling on both. Neither felt the cold, only the pain kneading itself in both of their middles. “I can’t do this, Austin! I can’t do it!” She cried into her knees.
“Marielle,” he whispered. “Please.”
“No… I- look,” she fought for breath, for air. Something felt like it was gripping her throat, and she knew that he felt it, too. “Maybe it’s my problem, and maybe it shouldn’t be,” she breathed. “But I keep feeling like there is no possible way that I can compare to the best you’ve ever had, and-” he tried to cut her off, and she violently raised her hand, stopping him, “-and like I said maybe that’s my problem, but I can’t change it.”
-Stop it! I’ve never had anything better than you.
“Stop it, Austin, stop it! Get out of my head!” She clamped her hands over her ears and shook her head.
“I can’t.”
“Get out of my head!” She screamed.
His face twisted in anguish. “You know that I can’t…”
She sobbed, reaching out for something that wasn’t there and eventually taking that same hand and caging her face. “I can hardly stand to think about your past… and now I- are you telling me that I’m going to have to see some of your memories, too?”
“Marielle…” he paused, trying to find words. “Haven’t you ever had a thought or a memory and it meant nothing to you?”
“It doesn’t matter, it happened, don’t you understand how hard that is for me?”
He closed his eyes, his own rimming. Fluffy white flakes fell into his hair, and hers. “I love you,” he breathed. -I…love you. “If this week has shown me anything, it’s only doubled my love for you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do this.”
“No,” he whispered, shaking his head. He gently took hold of her shoulder and turned her to him; she wouldn’t look at him. “Can I kiss you?” She didn’t answer. “Please, just… just let me kiss you and you’ll see. I can show you how much I love you.”
“No.”
“Marielle, please…my kiss is for you. I won’t ever kiss anyone ever again, if you want me? I can promise you that. No one will ever kiss me again, you’ll be my last kiss, Marielle. God, I wish you were my first.”
“No,” she reiterated and both felt the shattering happening inside. It felt like they were being violently ripped apart by a force outside of their control. Two pieces glue together being torn, and the tear was leaving bits of each other on one another, there was no way around it.
He nodded, and sat back in the snow. “Are you saying no because you’re afraid Vincent won’t take you back? I- I won’t use my tongue or…”
“No.”
He slumped back. “Okay…” he breathed. “I won’t beg.” -But, please. He rested his wrists over his knees and watched her, crumpled and broken as she continued to try and fight for air.
“I can’t, Austin, I can’t. It hurts so much.”
He raised an eyebrow and looked down at the snow. “All I want is you,” he whispered.
There was a long pause as she attempted to get control over her tears. “I wonder how many times he said that to her and she believed him as it slowly became hitting, and bruising, and rape…”
He seethed through hot tears as he ran his fingers through his hair and squeezed, “I am not Tundra,” he growled through gritted teeth. “I am not Tundra!” he yelled, the falling snow capturing every word, and silencing it.
She was silent. He couldn’t even read her thoughts, she was entirely blocking him out, reforging her walls against him. He inched his way back to her a little. “I don’t want to beg,” his voice cracked. “Are you done?” She didn’t answer in her thoughts, or her from her mouth. “Marielle,” he whispered even more quietly. “Are we done?” His mouth trembled. She was still. He blinked a few times and looked out at the tree line. “Do you want to run? Do you want me to chase you?”
She shook her head. “I do want to run, though.”
“From me?” She nodded. “Are you going to?” he asked gently, and he was inching his hand to her wrist. He gently took it, and tenderly pulled her up against him until they were pressed against one another, part for part. They paused there, holding each other in the falling snow as silence enveloped them. It was like death, and they could both feel it. “Don’t run from me, darling. Run to me. I’m so, so sorry, Marielle.” She wrapped her arms up around his neck, anchoring herself to him and feeling the weight of how screwed up and impossible their relationship was. He was everything to her, and she hated it! She wanted freedom from him, and yet she wanted him to lock her up and tell her that he was never going to let her go, damn the consequences. She was always going to be his despite Vincent, despite the world. Look at what they could do! No one else could do this! She felt like she was sinking. She held onto him more tightly, her breathing deepening, her movements jerky. His eyes rolled back a little and he let out a small groan. -Please, darling. You’re getting a little intense, there… He licked his dry lips and looked down at her through the snow. “Do you want me?”
She let out a growl through gritted teeth, pulling him against her by his hips. “Yes, I want you! I want all of you! I want you to take all of me! I want us to own each other and never let each other go! Do you understand, Austin? I want to sink with you and drown if that’s the end result!” She cried, fists pounding against his chest. He listened, trying to understand, but confused. “I want you to be mine, Austin! All of you! Completely. I want to slaughter anyone who even looks at you or dares to want to touch you!” A pregnant pause as his eyes widened in horror as he processed her words. “I’m not scared that you’re Tundra!” She met dark eyes with him. “I’m scared that we are!” She cried through gritted teeth, and at that, his expression lit up with fear as if suddenly he understood. Giving into Marielle, and their bond and allowing it to eat them both alive allowed Tundra to come out of his hiding place deep within Austin. “We caused Tundra, didn’t we?” she breathed. “Our obsession with each other… your confusion at my needs… it brought something out of you,” she explained, shakily. “I’m not scared that you’re Tundra,” she shuddered. Then she closed her eyes, “I’m scared that we are…” she repeated quietly as she cried into his chest.
His eyes were still wide and distant, his mouth ajar. After a few moments, he closed his mouth and eyes, tears rolling silently down his face. He understood. He got it. “Marielle,” he barely breathed. “Masin,” he said, deeply. “I think that… knowing some of what happened and how… I think that we can work this out.” He tried to reassure her.
She shook her head. “I know what I want to do in response to that dream, memory, whatever you want to call it.”
“What do you want to do, darling?” he panted, half knowing the answer.
“I want to chain you to a bed and take everything out of you, the same way you’d want to do it to me if and when the same thing happens. So, no… I don’t think we can work this out,” she said tightly, staring into his icy eyes. “I can’t control myself when I’m with you, and I don’t want to try… God, I can’t believe that I fell into this trap again.”
His mouth twisted in pained confusion. “Why are you wording it that way? I have no tricks here…”
She shook her head. “I’m done.”
His breath snagged in his chest at those altogether too familiar words. “Marielle,” he begged. “We love each other.”
“Love is not a promise of happiness, or a reward. I am not a reward.”
“You’re not, and I never said that you were!” He shouted, gesturing wildly at the ground. “Ha-have I ever treated you that way?” She was silent, he still couldn’t hear her thoughts. “You’re just scared, and I – I understand why, I deserve it. But… please don’t punish me anymore for my past and my failings.” He fought for control, trying to pull her more tightly against him. She pulled back and glared at him; a clear no in her eyes. His eyes darkened. “You want Vincent because he takes your control away, right? Are you scared of what will happen if you lose control… Gall?” She wouldn’t answer him, her eyes were full of rage. “What’s the worst that can happen if you lose control in my arms, Marielle? Where you belong…” She looked away toward the tree line again. “Coward.” He growled. She glared at him; a mix of shock and rage. “Yeah, that’s right, I called you a coward. I love you, but I’m not beyond calling you out.”
“How dare you.”
“Do you think that how daring me will make me back down from my statement? You’re scared, I get it. But we love each other… why isn’t that worth fighting for? Why isn’t it worth exploring?” She stood back and away from him, glaring down with irate passion in her eyes. “Oh, what are you gonna do? Hit me again? Do it. Bleeding is a lot easier than losing you,” he reminded through hot, angry tears.
She took in a shaky breath and let it out. “I can’t do this, Austin,” she said, calmly. “Maybe I just needed more time. And we don’t have it.”
He leaned back on his calves and stared at the ground, feeling the defeat. “Non riesco congelare il tempo…” He looked away from her, another realization hitting him. He didn’t want to say it, but forced it out. “So, it’s Vincent, then?” She didn’t answer. “Of course it is,” he whispered darkly. He gently pulled her back down to him and held more tightly to her, urging her inside of him, willing it. He felt like if she could just come into him, she’d see what he saw, she’d know what he knew. She’d be able to see and sense, and taste, and feel all of it. He pressed harder, to a point that she started to whimper. Then he paused. -What am I doing? Exactly what she’s saying, that’s what… He exhaled raggedly, and let her go. “No, no I refuse to be that,” he whispered.
She pulled away now that his arms were not around her anymore. “I want Vincent,” she whimpered brokenly. The words shattered him like ice crashing to the ground from a tall building. “I want Vincent,” she repeated, even more brokenly than the first time. “Take me home, Austin,” she breathed.
Shakily, he sat for a moment as the snow fell a bit heavier now and after a moment, he slumped back into it, defeated and silent as he watched the flakes drift down from the sky. The only thing that he saw was white, and for a moment he hoped that he was dying.
Mindlessly, bitterly, Austin lifted his arms, and moved them against the snow up and down until they made a snow angel which would disappear quickly after he stood up. He stared, letting the ice numb his mind as cold tears ran down the sides of his face and froze. Ice King…
Her heart broke watching him, but she was also shattered and both knew that there was no glue, or string, or body part, or love that could mend this moment. Maybe if they’d seen it coming. Maybe if they’d prepared… but this moment was cracked, and it would be cracked for eternity.
He stilled and Marielle almost lost sight of him in the snow as it blinded her and covered him. He’s trying to bury himself, she thought. She was right.
“Okay,” he said tightly. “I’ll take you home.”
When they were on the plane back to California, Marielle thought about her tearful goodbye with Tiffany. “Please tell me that we’ll see you back?” She had said.
Marielle smiled. “Thank you for everything you did, but sadly I don’t think you’ll see me again.”
Austin gave Tiffany and Rick a sad look, and gently urged Marielle away mouthing that he’d call them later.
Rick and Tiffany had watched them leave, morosely.
Her thoughts since they’d boarded were mostly silent, but after a good two hours of thinking almost nothing, Austin broke into her thoughts with a heavy sigh that she saw, heard, and felt. She wondered if he’d been trying to get in that whole time. Her head was turned away from him as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
-Okay… he started. -I know what happened. For months I’ve been helping you kill Tundra in your dreams when I was around to do it. You always call me in there and ask me to help you. I wanted your help to separate me from my past, and the lines got crossed somewhere. I wanted you to save me because I didn’t want to be doing that. She was silent. He leaned over and whispered, “You know I wasn’t even excited or anything when I woke up, you know that.”
She turned, glaring daggers at him. “Why were you dreaming about your ex-wife?” She bit out.
He glanced around to make sure no one was watching, but kept his voice hushed. “I don’t know, Marielle… maybe- you know how things get screwed up sometimes in your mind when you dream? Like, I was probably thinking wife before I fell asleep; how much I wanted you to be my wife, and the only subconscious association that I have with that word is Erin, and-.” He dropped his fingers from the back of his head where they’d been scratching and winced, feeling the emotions of loss roll over him again. “I don’t know…”
A young stewardess walked by and she watched her eye Austin, and try to hide a smirk. She watched him follow her gaze for a moment with his eyes, but look back to her. “Why did you call me in there, then?”
“I don’t know, Marielle… I think in some way, I was trying to tell you. Trying to keep myself accountable because I felt like I was-”
“Like you were cheating on me?” She narrowed her eyes at him, darkly.
He sighed understanding all the implications; their dream from the other night and her cheating on Vincent; how it was kind of like that. He leaned back against his seat and looked forward with a hard swallow. “Yeah.”
Tears stung her eyes. “She was kissing you, Austin… Kissing you,” she said through tears.
He turned, his left hand over his heart as he rubbed. They could both feel the constriction happening there, and neither knew who it was coming from, only that they both felt it and it was agony.
The only thing that he could give her; his kiss had just been taken away.
The rest of their flight was in silence.