{{Unedited}}
They relaxed into the couch together, as she went to one of her movie collections and found the films. “You already have them.”
She shrugged dismissively, “Yeah, I love these movies,” she whispered.
He smirked and lifted his arm, urging her against him, where he held her and fed her popcorn so she never had to depart from him.
Reaching down, she laced their fingers together and once their palms were touching, she pushed her hand through his and he closed his eyes and relaxed against the back of the couch as hungry feelings swirled down his body.
-I am so in love with you.
-Marielle, I am so afraid.
She lifted her head and looked at him inquisitively. -What are you afraid of?
-When the clock runs out. I won’t be able to have this anymore… You’ll never do this again, will you? His eyes glittered.
-No. She replied quickly, and it hurt her as well. –Unless totally necessary.
He broke. -What will I be left with?
-That’s up to you, Austin.
He turned to her, both ignoring the movie for a bit. “You know that my thoughts have been a bit dark these last few hours…” she nodded. “I keep thinking if I just tie you up,” he gently ran his fingers down her face, “and take you away- build us a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and keep you,” he shook his head, looking off distantly. “You love me. You’ll be okay, eventually,” he said. “And what is really difficult for me,” he swallowed hard, “is that I know you and how your mind works, and I know that part of you? Kind of wants me to do it so you won’t have to make this choice in the end.”
Her eyes fluttered closed. He was right; the idea of him taking and keeping her excited her a little. She’d be completely his, but she’d be a slave.
“But I know how wrong that is; those thoughts… those desires.” He ran his finger down her arm possessively. “I won’t do that to you… I promise. You have to choose me, or it’s not real.” She nodded. “Maybe someday?” She refused to answer; because she had no answer. She only knew that her story was not over with Vincent, and that her story with Austin could not begin now, even though it had begun and they were sitting, staring at one another as though they were the only two people in the entire world. “Okay,” he said, dejectedly when neither her mind, nor her mouth answered him.
“Enjoy now.”
“Dammit, do you know how difficult that is for me?” He asked, staring her down. “I can’t ignore that clock.”
“We could call it now…”
His eyes widened in horror. -Don’t you dare.
“Okay, then we won’t. But you have to enjoy this. Are you enjoying this?”
“You know that I am. I want every last bit of what we’re doing and more. All of it. The playing, the teasing, the arousal, the movie watching, the junk food, the damn cat.” He gestured to Felix, who was sitting on the piano bench, one back leg in the air, licking his backside. “I want it all.” He leaned in, gently kissing her. “I am trying to memorize every moment of this so I can feed off of it until…”
“Until when?”
“Until, Marielle… until.” She avoided his gaze, but he turned her face back to his. “Stare into my eyes. Know me, understand me. Tell me everything.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
And they went silent for a good hour as he asked her deep, personal questions in her mind. Things that made her feel shameful, things that made her excited, her worst memories, when she lost her virginity, who took it, how it was, the best kiss she’d ever experienced…
–You…
His eyes met hers with intensity. -Really?
-You…
Her childhood dreams, her childhood fears, her deep needs, and desires, every…last…fantasy that she’d ever had about him, what would make her happy, what she wanted for the future, how the blankets felt on her body when she was naked and just out of the shower, what she desired in a husband, if she wanted a husband, what chocolate tasted like to her, if he could kiss her again…(yes…they kissed) if she believed in God, (she did) if she wanted children, (she did), and a series of more personal questions that he asked her not to answer if she was uncomfortable. Shapes, colors, and feelings. She answered them all, happily.
Then they reversed their roles and she did the same to him. Was he lying when he said that he wanted to be faithful to her? No (true, he wanted to), where did he want to take her, his favorite memory that wasn’t sexual, the scariest feeling in the world (losing you…) what did he want to be when he was a boy? (an astronaut) Why hadn’t he pursued that? (I didn’t have a choice in many ways) she understood that. He had been in the situation with his mother until he was about eleven and a half and then he had been taken in by Rick and brought back to America. Shortly after he got Austin speaking English, he also started Austin in certain programs and training. She continued her own questions in between them watching the movies, and eating candy.
They giggled, and kissed, and tickled, and asked more questions, and got deeply, disgustingly personal, and talked about what they would do to each other if they could- if they were married, and how much they’d pleasure one another. Similar to the actual playing, they both realized that they had to stop talking about such things before they lost control on one another and burned those contracts as another intense round of making out occurred.
-Do you understand that because we can read one another’s minds and feelings… that we could please one another like no one else on the planet?
-I’ve been understanding that since we started all of this earlier tonight, Austin.
He brushed his nose over the tip of hers, realizing for the first time that he’d started doing that because he’d read that she wanted him to, at some point early in their relationship. -That would be so, so satisfying, Marielle. Do you not want to do that with me?
-I do, Austin. I just won’t let it happen.
-Are you scared?
-Yes.
Austin shook his head. -I want to be so open, and so close with you that you and I become one entity. I’m not scared. He swallowed and looked down boyishly. “Well, actually… I am a little.”
“About what?”
“Making love to you.”
“Why?” her eyes widened like he was crazy.
“I’ve never made love to someone that I’m in love with,” he explained. “What if I don’t please you? What if you’re disappointed?”
“Oh my gosh!” She shoved him in the arm. “Do not, okay? Do not even… or did you not just see me nearly peel my skin off in ecstasy back there?” She laughed.
He chuckled, “Yeah, you’re right. Doesn’t mean that I’m not scared.”
“Well, we’d have that in common, then,” she replied with a sigh.
“We’d figure it out,” he breathed, taking her in under his arm again.
They were well into their second movie when Marielle started yawning, his heart sped up with anxiety the moment that she did. She looked at him curiously, sensing this. “I don’t want to lose a moment of this to sleep,” he explained.
“I have to rest, though,” she said with a nod, snuggling against him with a sweet purr. “When we wake up, I’ll make us something delicious for breakfast, and then we can plan a beautiful day.”
“Can we plan ten or fifteen thousand?” He asked, distantly.
She squeezed his hand, her own eyes welling again, and her lip quivering. She tried to hide it. Neither of them could hide these things from one another, anymore. He could feel her starting to cry without ever looking at her. “Take me to bed, Austin,” she murmured.
Sighing, he robotically stood and took her up into his arms against his chest. As he walked down the hall, feeling like he was really walking the long mile, he whispered to her in Italian.
He’d never remember what he said to her, later, but certain phrases stuck out. Marry me. Just stay with me. Let me make you Marielle Rancor. Let me please you until you die. I’ll love you when you’re gray and wrinkled… let’s own each other.
She barely heard any of it as she drifted and he laid her against the mattress on her side. She sat up a little and made her special movements, excising the pistols from her arms and set them her nightstand, knowing now that they’d return in about eight hours whether she liked it or not.
He did the same, setting his aside on the nightstand as well, then he bent and gently tucked her in under the covers. She was already half asleep when he removed his t-shirt, and slipped in, behind her putting his bare chest against her back. He pulled her close to him, mentally willing her inside his body as he rubbed her cold arms.
“Goodnight, my darling,” he breathed, tearfully.
“I love you,” was all that she got out before she fell asleep.
He didn’t fall asleep for a long while as his silent tears soaked the pillow. She was asleep, but he spoke to her anyways, wondering if that were at all possible.
-I’m just laying here holding you as you breathe and wanting to be able to do this anytime I want for the rest of my life, and knowing that it’s going to end soon, and hating it and hating myself because I know that I did this. I didn’t know what I wanted until I couldn’t have it, and I didn’t know how good it was until I was told that I would lose it. You are everything to me, Marielle. You are the best friend that I’ve ever had… you’re like a sister, but much more intimate. You’re like a lover, but even more intimate than that. The very thought of what tomorrow morning brings is sending me into waves of panic because I just want to be with you…
– …. Love… you…
-Yes, darling, I know you love me. Which is why I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me… He kissed her back. -Come with me. Come with me to China. We’re not supposed to be apart, Marielle. I don’t know how to explain this, but I know that we were made for each other. It doesn’t matter what he says… I get you back. I always get you.
-Rest, darling. She came through as if she’d woken up for a moment. -Don’t concern yourself with these things right now.
-You’re doing something, aren’t you? Like you did with the crown? Thank you, Marielle… I can feel how that’s affecting me. It was good. I would never have let you if you hadn’t just done it. You were right about that… what else are you right about? She was silent again. -I need you so much. You’re killing me, Marielle.
-Maybe…you’re supposed to die. He paused, considering. Maybe he was… -Austin, stop worrying. Sleep with me, darling. Come to my dreams. I need you there… it’s been bad.
-You need me in your dreams?
-Yes… Goodnight.
-Okay, Marielle. I’m coming.
And they both drifted to sleep.
For a while, nothing happened. There was peace. Felix joined them on the end of the bed for a while, and then moved to Austin’s back, flopping against him.
Around four AM, however, Marielle sucked air in through her teeth and started to gasp. She wasn’t fully awake, but she tossed, and started to try and wiggle away. -No…no… don’t hurt me…
She twisted, and in her dreams, she was being chased by him.
She was there again, in his grasp as he put his knife to her throat, trying to force her to eat it. He kept her against him, forcing her still. “Austin!”
He heard that… and he was up, and running toward them…toward himself… He grabbed hold of the back of Tundra’s head, and jerked it to one side where it cracked and broke his neck with a sickening pop as he let his body fall to the ground. He was dead.
Austin reached for Marielle, but she stared up at him unsure… confused.
“Hey, hey, it’s me,” he whispered.
She looked around, then down at Tundra’s body, and shrieked. Tundra had turned into Austin, and Austin was now standing with his hand out to her, but he was Tundra. “Austin!” She screamed again and again somehow, he was running for them. He whirled the blade from Tundra and stabbed him through the chest. “How many times do I have to kill you?” He screamed.
Marielle glared at him, “as many as it takes.”
She turned into his bare chest, and held him, he held her back, both now fully awake.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah… but they are often like that, now.
-I’m so sorry, darling. Mine aren’t much better. He kissed her. -You’re safe, Marielle. He’s gone… he won’t ever hurt you or touch you again. She moved her fingers over his chest, fingering the little patch of dark hair there, and softly smiling. They drifted back to sleep.
Hours must have passed, and Austin subconsciously felt Felix lay against Marielle’s front. He wrapped his arm around Felix as well as her and Marielle regained just enough consciousness to hear Austin think to himself, –my little family.
Once again, her heart shattered. She had to pretend to be asleep still; he was and she wanted to let him rest a bit… but she could not stop her silent tears no matter how hard she tried, and because they kept coming, she was starting to make noise as her nose ran. Breathing through her mouth worked for a few minutes, but it became harder the longer that she lay there. So, she sat up, only to find him reaching out and grabbing her wrist. -No, just stay here forever. Don’t leave me, darling.
She sniffled, and forced a smile at him through her tears. His eyes were still closed, and despite the matted sleep hair, and the little bit of stubble that he was developing, he was glorious. His lean muscles were perfect and his arms looked so strong. She wanted to reach over, take the crown and put it on his head. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she whispered. “Then I’ll come right back to you, lover.”
He nodded, and re-adjusted his arms. “You don’t have to hide your tears from me, you know,” he breathed.
Her face contorted, and a few more leaked out. “I just love you so much,” she replied with a small smile.
He opened his eyes and looked at her with desirous, but aching eyes- reality already filtering into his mind. “Go, so you can come back to me… we have to start the day,” he said sadly, hating and loving those words simultaneously.
She went down the hall, used the bathroom, cleaned her face with a rag and some hot water, and paused at her reflection. She tried on a smile with teeth, and the very action made her break down again, leaning over the sink for a moment as she tried to compose herself.
–I want it… I want to be his wife. I want to be his everything. I want him to be mine.
-Then come with me, darling. He whispered from the bedroom.
She growled, and turned away from herself. She couldn’t have clear personal thoughts in his presence, and she knew that this was both a blessing and a curse. They couldn’t always “just hear one another’s thoughts.” They had to be focusing, or listening, but it was a line that seemed open if either of them truly wanted to know what was going on in one another’s heads.
As she dabbed her eyes, she realized how shocked she was about how little she’d thought about Vincent in the last twelve hours, and saddened by the fact that she wanted to be with him, as well.
Marielle had no idea what she was going to do regarding their relationship.
She loved Vincent, but she didn’t feel that she could live under their situation long term. They’d have to have a long talk when he returned. Maybe he could be swayed to stop lying to her completely and to be more open with her, and supportive. Maybe their relationship was already over… What she was doing now certainly wasn’t helping or encouraging it.
She patted her face with the hot rag again.
Austin knocked, leaning against the doorframe. “Are you okay?”
She cleared her throat, “Yeah,” she lied.
“No, you’re not,” he realized with a sigh. “You’re clothed, right?”
-Yeah.
He opened the door and came into the small space. She turned, leaning against the counter. He saw the rag in her hand and noted the steamy water running.
He gestured for her to give him the rag. She did. He resoaked it with hot water, choking out any excess and stood, putting his body against hers, and gently holding her around the back. He used the rag to tenderly clean her face. -I love you.
-I love you, too, Austin.
He resoaked it again, and squeezed out the excess. Then he did it again, trying to catch the little tears coming out.
She took the rag from him, wetted it, and wrung it out before applying it to his back, behind his neck. He melted, his head rolling forward as she gently massaged the heat into his muscles. He took it back from her and ran it over her lips and down her neck, they exchanged it again, wetting it in between and she gently cleaned his face.
-What are we doing? he asked with a little laugh.
-Taking care of each other.
He swallowed, bringing the rag back behind her neck, and using the warmth to loosen her muscles.
-I don’t know what you need… but I can do something to try and show you that I care.
She smiled at him, and lifted her finger gently swiping it across his prickly chin. -This is kind of cute. She giggled.
-The facial hair? She nodded. -I can let it go today if you want to see more. I’m Italian, I’ll have a full beard by noon. He chuckled.
She cleared her throat as he wetted the rag and used it to ring around the insides of her ears. -You said last night that if we were together you wouldn’t want men anymore. Is that really true?
He sighed. -Listen, I’m bisexual. I’ll probably always be attracted to men. But I wouldn’t continue to try and sleep with any of them. You understand who you love, right? She narrowed her eyes at him, curiously. -I have attractions, yes. But that doesn’t mean that I have to act on them. I get the irony of me saying that since I am struggling with addiction. But understand that just because I’m an addict doesn’t mean that I’ve always just said yes to every impulse or desire. I’ve walked away before. I can teach myself to do it continually.
She was fingering his earring. -You never have, though.
-I’ve never had a reason to…until now. Also please understand, that just because I have certain desires doesn’t mean that I’m attracted to every man, or every woman. You do understand that, don’t you?
-I think I do. She snickered. She used the hot rag up his ribs and over his pectorals. -So, who are you attracted to? She pressed with a little smile.
-Men wise? She nodded, halfway knowing the answer already from reading him. -I was attracted to Sasha.
She giggled, “So was I.”
He laughed. “I know.” That made sense to her. “I could see how you looked at him sometimes. I was minorly jealous.”
“He was beautiful,” she said distantly.
“He was,” Austin agreed.
She flushed a little, “anyone else?”
He smirked, but tucked it into his face so it turned down, “I’m minorly attracted to Vincent.”
“You are?”
He flicked his gaze one way, then the other. “Don’t tell anyone,” he whispered like this was a secret between them.
She smiled, caressing his face. “I won’t. One hundred percent safe with me.”
“Are you jealous?” She shrugged a single shoulder and pinched her fingers together, squeezing one eye shut. “I don’t think that I’ll ever be with a man ever again,” he explained. “Like I said, I prefer women, I always have.”
She nodded. “Those are who I’m jealous of… all of those beautiful, countless faces,” she said with a distant sigh.
“Would it make you feel any better to know that I don’t remember half of them?”
“No,” she replied meeting his gaze. “Even one hurts.”
“How do you think I feel when it comes to Vincent?”
“At least I’m in love with him and in a relationship with him, can you give me that?”
“Of course, but Marielle…” He hesitated, with a sigh. “But, I wish that I had been Morgan, and Vincent, and whoever the other three guys were,” he raised his hand to stop her from speaking, “and I wish that I could take back every woman, and every man… to experience what I am experiencing right now with you.” Her eyes welled. “I wish that I could go back and meet you at ten, eleven… that’s why these fantasies are me at that age, you’ve worked that out, right? We’re never teens, or twenty. I’ve specifically put us at ten and eight, why? Because I was still innocent in some way.” He put his forehead to hers, pressing as if he wanted her to pass through his mind. “I wish that I could go back to then, right then… right at that age, and give you my first kiss,” he sighed. “I wish that I could-”
She stopped him. The world stopped, actually… because suddenly he was ten, and she was eight, and she was leaning in, and shyly putting her lips to his in the golds and yellows of a failing afternoon sun. Her voice but as a little girl’s voice echoed inside of his head, -I love you, Austin Rancor… I love you here, and I love you in the future. Both children pulled back, giggling and embarrassed. He was wiping his mouth, but wanting her to come back for more.
Thirty-two and thirty again, his eyes were closed as tears rolled down his cheeks. He held her against him. “Maybe we never actually grew up,” he breathed. “Maybe this is all a bad dream.”
She squeezed him tightly around the middle. “Sometimes… I wish that it was,” she replied her mind moving over everything that had happened. Killing Amir’s double, losing Sasha, losing Tala, her love for Austin, her love for Vincent, the lies, the betrayals, Kingdom, the intense confusion that she felt that moved her to near madness… all of it.
She pulled back and led him back towards the bedroom. Both of their timer’s clicked over, and their weapons returned to both around the same time.
She took in a shaky breath as she felt the tingling, gnawing at her arms and her back again. He cracked his neck, experiencing the same. “I’m sorry that that was done to you against your will,” she whispered.
He shook his head, “I’m not.” She looked at him curiously, “if it hadn’t been, you’d be his right now… living in horror.” She looked off distantly realizing that he was referring to Tundra. Her eyes flickered as if understanding this for the first time. He was right. “Vincent gave me bullets again, by the way,” he added. “Ten. So…” he leaned into her face a little, kissing her tenderly, “as I said at the restaurant in Italy… I’m always carrying.”
She grinned, and slowly got on the floor. He narrowed his eyes at her, and she reached for his hand. “I do this every morning,” she explained.
He joined her.
Both started a series of sit ups, as they watched one another’s body lengthen and stretch. He helped her stretch out her back, and she did the same for him. It was comical as Felix tried to join and both ended up laughing when he walked up Austin’s body. It was intimate as he held onto her feet, and hips. It was dangerous as they pretzeled together a little, stretching and breathing deeply and in time with each other… It was everything that she wanted save for the actual sex.
He held her legs down for her toward the end so that she could finish with another set of sit ups. “You probably like this position,” she chuckled as she lay back against the floor.
“No,” he said, pulling her back up to him, and pulling her over his legs and against his chest. “I like this one,” he purred against her mouth. “You see you’re not beneath me. You’re my equal.” He brushed her hair back a bit. “You’re not some wilting, fainting damsel in distress. You’re a warrior, a fighter. I don’t want you to need me, Marielle. I want you to want me,” he breathed, holding her to his chest. “We’re one.”
She took a deep, ragged breath, and finally gave him what he’d been waiting for, as she phased, slipping inside of him. He took in a quick, stunned gulp of air and fell back against the carpet. She turned, and lay inside of him also on her back.
-Now we’re one, she breathed from inside of him.
Both panted and groaned, crying, and feeling the ecstasy and insanity that it caused. Austin’s hand moved up his chest to his heart, she did the same. “You are my very world…” he breathed, his back arching. She followed him in erotic torment. Both of their bodies fell back against the carpet again, and they heaved together- their hearts and breaths synching perfectly. “Can I ask you a question?”
-Yes.
“Are you tired? Is this draining you?”
-Yes.
“Is it hurting you?”
-No.
“Is it making you insane?”
-Mhmm.
“Why?”
-Because… describe this, Austin? Can you describe it?
“No… You’re doing things to me that I don’t think anyone has ever done to another human being.”
-Exactly.
“You feel it to?” he groaned.
-Yes.
“This is so dangerous,” he said, his chest rising and falling quickly.
She sat up, and moved out of him; all her energy spent. “I know,” she replied, both panting. He let out a pained sound as she separated from him, his hand reaching out as if wanting to keep her there. He refused to grab her and try to pull her back, though. She looked at him a bit sheepishly, breathing hard from the exhaustion.
“Hey,” he said, tenderly. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you. I won’t threaten you, or hurt you the way that he did,” he whispered. “I’m not him.”
“I know you’re not,” she reiterated.
He pulled her back to him, only so he could hold her. “I will not hurt you,” he stated, plainly. “I promised, and I promise again. I will never make you do that to me. I will never use my powers to force you. I will never hold you down until you concede. Like I said, you’re my equal, not my slave… not my drug… not my whore. You’re my…” he stopped himself, and his thoughts stopped, too. Whatever he was going to say died on his mouth and in his mind. But she knew what the word was… –wife.